


you make me fall in love (i think i'm falling)

by wooziuniverse



Category: SEVENTEEN (Band)
Genre: Alternate Universe - College/University, Alternate Universe - High School, Friends to Lovers, M/M, Mutual Pining, Slow Burn, gyuhao if u sqiunt, jihoon is like really in love with soonyoung
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-07-06
Updated: 2020-03-20
Packaged: 2020-06-22 10:47:07
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 3
Words: 28,300
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/19665895
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/wooziuniverse/pseuds/wooziuniverse
Summary: Life is a little weird. Moments of happiness and moments that come in waves. Moments we wished to never happen and moments we long to relive. When Jihoon takes a look at Soonyoung, he never wants the moment to end.





	1. the calm before the storm

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> hello ! welcome 2 my story i have a whole playlist for this fic if u wanna listen <33
> 
> 1\. intro - khalid  
> 2\. idontwannabeyouanymore - billie eilish  
> 3\. magic - gabrielle aplin  
> 4\. free spirit - khalid  
> 5\. space - seventeen  
> 6\. this is what heartbreak feels like - clinton kane  
> 7\. la la lost you - niki  
> 8\. fallin' flower - seventeen  
> 9\. heartbeats - josé gonzález  
> 10\. dirty words - rusty clanton  
> 11\. what kind of future - woozi  
> 12\. like the beginning - mingyu  
> 13\. home - seventeen  
> 14\. 9teen - seventeen
> 
> a lot of the fic was inspired by the last four songs as well as space/cant see the end

**PART 1**

**IT COMES IN BURSTS.**

The happy moments — all they really do is just come in waves. Collected fragments that attempt to fill in the cracks. Echoes of laughter. Hints of healing. Signs of living.

It comes and it goes. It goes as if they were never even around to begin with.

Jihoon is unsure of what to make of it, because in retrospect, there really wasn't much at hand. It wasn't just black and white. When the moment fades into just another memory, it isn't sadness that comes to give him a warm hug. Rather, it's the unforgiving void of nothing.

But it’s when the outburst stays.

When, for even just a second longer, it doesn’t feel like there’s a void in Jihoon’s emotions. That this constant tug in his chest is enough to trade for a single moment. Because this is what comfort feels like.

There’s a heavy downpour in the middle of November. Judging by the morning show Jihoon’s mother had playing over breakfast, even South Korea's advanced weather stations weren’t able to foresee raindrops falling in Seoul.

From where Jihoon was seated, it was easy to catch a glimpse of the clouds turning grey. Drizzle was turning into what seemed like a storm. With his chin resting on his palm, Jihoon observed the steady rhythm the raindrops created as it tapped against the glass. Window seats were always a call for distraction, the seat with the view and it probably explains why Jihoon was barely aware of his surroundings, even when an unfamiliar figure was walking towards him.

“Lee Jihoon,” Mrs. Kang, his homeroom teacher, called out with narrowed eyes.

Jihoon snaps out from his daydreams. This wasn't the first time he had been caught inattentive. Though, in Jihoon’s defense, the view he had always had something more to offer than inside the four walls they were stuck in.

Jihoon immediately responds politely. “Yes, Ma’am?”

“Kindly help Mr. Kwon settle in, okay?” Mrs. Kang requests.

Jihoon glances to his side, watching Soonyoung occupy the seat that had been left empty for half a semester. As Soonyoung sets his things, Jihoon feels his stomach twist.

“Yes, Ma’am.”

Barely a minute after Mrs. Kang leaves, the class is freely speaking again and Jihoon’s new seatmate turns to face him. “Hello! I’m Soonyoung,” he introduces, nose scrunched up as he grins widely. He offers his hand. “Kwon Soonyoung.”

Jihoon pauses, immobile in his seat. The new student almost falters, but when Jihoon accepts his hand he softens up.

“Lee Jihoon.”

“I hope we get along well.” Soonyoung says timidly, to which Jihoon only smiles out of good manners.

They don’t speak for a while after that. Both of them just mind their business and Jihoon has to admit he's a bit grateful. Jihoon had never been too fond of talking a lot during the in-betweens of their classes, much more if it's with someone he had just met. So instead he gazes back outside, where thunder follows lightning striking from a distance.

So much for the clear sky weather reports.

“My mom said with the state of the clouds this morning, there’s probably going to be a storm.” Soonyoung speaks up, bringing Jihoon’s attention from the gloomy sky to his new seatmate. He finds Soonyoung facing the same big window Jihoon was looking at, with almost the same lost gaze.

Over the course of a week, Jihoon learns that Soonyoung has a lot to say. Soonyoung seems to be fond of commenting on anything that catches his attention, informing Jihoon of his observations. Whether it’s during a lecture or when everything is quiet and Jihoon is looking out to the sky, Soonyoung always has something to say. Jihoon learns a lot more about Soonyoung. He learns that Soonyoung falls asleep in class, even if he doesn’t mean to. He learns that Soonyoung writes slow and messily, always a step behind Jihoon. He learns that sharing his space with someone else is something that he still has to get used to.

It felt a little weird now that these invisible walls had fallen down to welcome a stranger. Jihoon had been so used to having no seatmate for months that he wasn’t even counting on getting one. Now, he felt a little weary, a little off guard with someone being able to watch his every move and pay attention to his little antics.

However, it seemed that it was the other way around. God knows why Jihoon couldn’t stop himself from watching Soonyoung. Every other second was an opportunity for Jihoon to glance at Soonyoung.

He learns everything through observation. He learns that Soonyoung gets anxious every time a new teacher enters the room, asking for his name. He finds Soonyoung pleading for help, turning to him with big fearful eyes. And he learns that it doesn’t take much to ease Soonyoung. When Jihoon assures him and helps him out, Soonyoung is back to his cheerful self, all smiles and nothing less.

And something about the way Soonyoung moved brought a tingling feeling in his chest, something he had never felt before. Not like this.

Helping Soonyoung settle in meant informing him of each teacher they had that day, lending him notes that he’ll need and inviting him to eat lunch with his friends even if he was a little uncomfortable with the idea. Surprisingly, Jihoon does a good job with all of that. He usually doesn’t handle new people all too well, but for some reason, Soonyoung made it easy.

Jihoon’s friends, on the other hand, did not make it easy for Soonyoung. Mingyu, Wonwoo and Seungcheol all bombarded him with questions the moment he sat in his chair. Soonyoung was surrounded and all he could do was let out a shy smile.

"Where are you from?" Mingyu would ask.

"Gyeonggi-do."

"Why'd you move in the middle of the semester?" Wonwoo follows up.

"Uh, my mom had to move for her job."

"How's it feel being seated to Jihoon?" Seungcheol says, a smug expression on his face. He leans in and whispers. "He tends to be really quiet and distant—"

"Okay," Jihoon says. "I think that's enough questions. Let him breathe and eat."

Soonyoung laughs softly and thanks Jihoon before he picks up his chopsticks to eat his food. Turns out he actually did need the space to eat _and_ breathe. Jihoon's friends couldn't exactly be counted on. They liked to pry and were intrusive beyond belief, but Jihoon still loved them—even if he'd never admit that out loud.

Classes end early that day because of how strong the rain had become. Hopes of the rain stopping were pointless now, as Jihoon stood at the entrance of their school building, without an umbrella in hand. Seungcheol, Wonwoo and Mingyu had already gone their separate ways, which happened to be the opposite of where Jihoon lived. Seungcheol offered to bring Jihoon home, but Jihoon was stubborn beyond belief and told him he'd be okay waiting for his mom.

It's when Jihoon is walking side by side Soonyoung, cramped under an umbrella and his shoulder slowly getting damp that he realizes he should have taken Seungcheol up on his offer. When they realized how near their houses had been, Soonyoung insisted they would just go together.

"I guess my mom forcing me to bring an umbrella was worth something," Soonyoung notes, his hand tightly grasping on the handle.

"Looks like I should really listen to mine, then." Jihoon replies, causing the two to ease into laughter.

"I kinda hate rain," Soonyoung tells Jihoon.

"Why so?"

"No big reason,” Soonyoung shrugs his shoulders, looking down. "I guess it reminds me of the bad days. And the fact that water gets in my shoes almost too easily."

"Huh," Jihoon mumbles, not really sure what to say. "I kinda like the rain. It feels a little calming. And I think water gets in your shoes because of how you walk."

Soonyoung scoffs, his face telling too much and they both laugh. It felt a little too natural, the way things were progressing. The way he was letting someone in. But Jihoon didn't mind. He didn't mind at all.

Apparently, later that night, it was reported that there was a thunderstorm. Turns out Soonyoung's mother was right; the typhoon had rerouted and instead headed towards Seoul. Climate change, Jihoon assumes. Or something scientific he wasn't sure of.

Much like the rain, more things had unexpectedly stumbled into his life that day. Because that day, halfway through the semester of his first year in high school, entered Kwon Soonyoung. Right in the middle of heavy rain.

Everything falls right into place, much quicker than Jihoon anticipates. Routines have been developed and Jihoon isn’t quite used to it. Now, he’s walking around the campus during lunch break with Soonyoung and the boys. Now, he goes to class early because he has someone to walk with. Now, he has more than enough of a reason to pass by the convenience store and buy twin pops after class.

Soonyoung finds his place everywhere, and makes it his own, even if it were in Jihoon’s life.

More than a week passes before Jihoon finds out that Soonyoung’s house wasn’t even near his. Although it was vaguely in the same direction, it was an extra walk for Soonyoung, especially for the first day when they met.

“You could’ve told me,” Jihoon tells him.

“Your house wasn’t that far, it was totally fine.”

“Yeah, but you basically told me you hate the rain.” Jihoon scoffs, arm crossed over his shoulder. “I basically made you walk in the rain even if you probably hated it because I didn’t have an umbrella.”

“You didn’t make me do anything, Jihoon.” Soonyoung says. “It was my choice and really it’s okay.”

Jihoon lets out a sigh. He didn’t like being an inconvenience to others, which is why he often kept to himself. “Why didn't you tell me, anyway?”

"Well,” Soonyoung shrugs. “I hate walking in the rain. Figured you might hate it too."

Over twin pops outside Jihoon's house, he digs deeper and really gets to know more about Soonyoung. Rain or shine, the pair would spend their time after class outside the convenient store or by Jihoon's apartment balcony. They never ran out of anything to talk about. All the stories just kept coming and coming.

“My parents divorced,” Soonyoung tells him one day, when it's raining. He almost causes Jihoon to choke on his popsicle. After a few abrupt coughs, Soonyoung notices and starts rubbing Jihoon's back.

"Are you okay?" he asks, a little concerned, but having the capacity to laugh.

"Just taken by surprise," Jihoon nods. He stays silent for a while, deep in thought of what he should say in reply. Jihoon hasn't exactly encountered this before, so he settles with something small and safe. "I'm sorry this is happening to you."

“It’s nothing to be sorry for,” Soonyoung assures him with a sad smile. “It’s actually why me and my mom had to move here. I knew for a while now, but now it’s really official. My older sister is staying with my dad, and I still love him, but I guess this was the arrangement they settled on.”

“Your parents chose your situation?”

“Yeah,” Soonyoung nods, looking into the distance. “I think it’s because Sooyeon-noona is graduating soon and they say I'll have more opportunities in Seoul.”

“You miss her?” Jihoon asks, noticing how Soonyoung softens with every mention of his sister.

“I do.” Soonyoung nods. “It’s a little weird without her around to guide me through my decisions.”

“I wish you weren’t going through this,” Jihoon tells him, unsure of what else to say. Instead, he speaks with his actions and nudges Soonyoung softly by his shoulder as he offers a smile.

“It’s okay,” Soonyoung tells him. “Everything that’s happened so far has brought me here, and I think that’s a good thing.”

“Yeah?”

"Yeah." Soonyoung says, reaching out an arm to feel the raindrops they've been watching. “I think I’m starting to like rain now.”

Jihoon finds himself associating every little memory he has of Soonyoung with rain. Even when it's years later. Even when they’re provided warmth with their university's reliable heating system, Jihoon can't help but take note of the pouring rain evident through the windows. It feels like they're in high school again. Soonyoung is by his side and Jihoon is taking note of every detail of Soonyoung's movement.

Soonyoung had sunk into his seat, deep in slumber, head nuzzled on the nook of Jihoon's shoulders. Everything sits still, and for a moment, it feels as if it was just him and Soonyoung.

There’s this slow and easy pull. Back and forth, side to side. Jihoon attempts to find the right words to express his sentiment, but his mind was left blank. Perhaps there was nothing he had to say to truly encapsulate it all.

It’s the thunder that rudely jerks Jihoon back into reality. Soonyoung stirs from his sleep, not nearly as startled as Jihoon was. Soonyoung pulls himself towards the desk, rocking himself back and forth as he finds ways to bring himself into productivity.

Soonyoung almost always has a false start. Distraction comes before he even begins. He's tapping his pen, he shakes his legs, and his fingers follow a beat. Every study session, he turns to Jihoon with remarks of ' _Ji, I don't think I can do this anymore_ ' and ' _help, I'm suffering_ '. Soonyoung does manage to clock in a decent 10 minutes of studying, until he wears himself out and is back to square one.

So when Soonyoung finally brings his fidgeting leg to a halt, Jihoon is relieved, knowing that his best friend is getting somewhere to say the least.

Everything felt a little out of the ordinary because Soonyoung was actually doing his work and Jihoon wasn't scolding him for being a nuisance.

It’s a known fact that Soonyoung is one to easily break under pressure. It happened often during high school and persists now. Amidst their study sessions Soonyoung would usually whisper over to Jihoon, trying to persuade him to watch a movie instead or maybe go out to the store to buy twin pops.

Jihoon sits in anticipation, waiting for some kind of stupid joke from his best friend. Something along the lines of _"I kinda wanna die_ " followed by _"it's just a joke I don't mean it_ ".

“Are you actually studying?” Jihoon asks, surprising even himself for breaking the silence he could have lived with.

Soonyoung barely gives Jihoon the light of day, sparing a second of a glance. It was shocking for Jihoon to see Soonyoung resist the urge to close his book shut and dive right into a conversation. Jihoon feels this small twist in his guts, guilt from distracting Soonyoung, given his small attention span.

"You think I'm faking it?" Soonyoung doesn’t look up from his notebook.

"Well…" Jihoon trails off.

Soonyoung turns, lips pulling into a lopsided grin. "You have to fake it ‘til you make it, Ji.”

Guilt rushes out of his system. It’s gone completely. It’s replaced by the urge to roll his eyes so far back he doesn’t have to face Soonyoung and his dumb gimmicks.

Jihoon raises his eyebrows. “What, is that your life motto now?”

“It’s a revelation,” Soonyoung says matter-of-factly. "I have to at least pretend like my life isn’t falling: apart right in front of my eyes, Ji.”

“Soonyoung,” Jihoon sighs as he sits up properly. “An hour ago you were just watching a video and complaining about how I was working so hard that it made you look bad. And then you took a nap.”

Soonyoung narrows his eyes, lips pouted. “Well you were working too hard.” It takes everything in Jihoon to keep his composure despite Soonyoung trying to act all cute in front of him. “Besides, it was a good anime compilation, okay?”

A hush comes from the front desk, the librarian glaring through the lens of her glasses. Neither of them take it as much, since she always had something to be mad at. Everyone in this library was always at fault when it came to her. Regardless, Jihoon does make an effort to lower his voice.

“Soonyoung, your exam is in two days.” Jihoon mumbles.

“I know!” Soonyoung whisper-shouts, dodging the look the librarian was sending them. “And I have time! A 30 minute anime won’t do me any harm sometimes, Jihoon.”

Jihoon scoffs. “Yeah, tell me that once you stop complaining about your communication class.”

Soonyoung huffs in his seat, crossing his arms over his chest. “I really don’t know why I’m barely passing! I’m doing alright in the presentations and my class participation isn't too bad. She keeps failing me in what I can and won’t let anyone go through it easily. You know, sometimes I wish I were in Japan already, that way I’d be dancing rather than dealing with fucking communications.”

Jihoon's heart skips a beat. A beat that would have been enough to bring air to his lungs. Nothing audible comes out of his mouth; everything is caught up in his throat and Soonyoung had been so caught up in the heat of the moment that he barely batted an eye at the shift in Jihoon's expression.

Jihoon had always been reserved, but this was different. This was one where Soonyoung unknowingly entered a minefield and now he has to tread carefully.

For months Jihoon had been doing pretty well in avoiding the inevitable. And Soonyoung had been a big help, playing along and barely bringing up the topic even if Jihoon knew that he was probably going to burst from excitement. There was guilt on Jihoon's part. He could only imagine how hard it was for Soonyoung to keep quiet about the one thing he had been dreaming of for so long, only for the sake of his best friend's emotions. Yet all it takes is a single trigger for everything to hit Jihoon like a fucking truck.

Japan is 926 kilometers away from Korea. The longest they’ve spent apart was when Jihoon had to go to Busan and Soonyoung had to go to Gyeonggi-do during Christmas break, and that’s not even nearly half the distance of Japan from Korea.

For what it’s worth, Jihoon wouldn’t have it any other way if it meant Soonyoung wasn't going to be dancing. Jihoon had been by Soonyoung's side throughout the whole process, and continued to be. Whether it was helping him with the applications to opening the acceptance letter. Whether it meant losing his best friend for two years to a dance scholarship student exchange program.

“You’re really leaving, aren’t you?” Jihoon’s whispers softly, loud enough for Soonyoung but soft enough for it to not feel real.

A second delay in Soonyoung’s answer is enough Jihoon to be filled with this hope and sinks the moment he speaks. Suddenly, everything is tangible. Reality hits him and it’s no longer a mere dream Soonyoung used to tell during high school, in the comfort of their bedrooms.

It’s in this moment that Jihoon finds that there’s no longer a purpose in avoiding what’s coming towards him at full speed.

“I feel like I have to.” Soonyoung seems wary, but his voice sounds like honey. It’s gentle and sweet and it’s music to Jihoon’s ears. “There’s something in me that keeps saying if I don’t take this chance now then there’s no other opportunity that might be as fulfilling that this is for me. What’s the point in turning down something right in front of me, right?”

Jihoon looks down, regretful that he had somehow made Soonyoung think over an opportunity he definitely should be able to take.

“That’s not true you know,” he says. “The ‘no opportunity’ thing.”

It really wasn’t true and even Soonyoung knew that his words held some false truths. Soonyoung, despite his academic hindrance, was much more impressive than what the marks on his reports would say otherwise.

But, Soonyoung was Soonyoung and that meant that he spent most days thinking he lacked something in several aspects of himself. That meant that Soonyoung spend his extra nights locked up in a studio long enough to see the sun rising. That meant he would skip meals just to get his work done. That meant bad days for Soonyoung where he’d knock on Jihoon’s door, tears on the edge, all choked up with a heavy heart. That meant that his wavering thoughts brought him to be faint-hearted.

“I know, I know.” Soonyoung attempts to reassure Jihoon, patting his hand on Jihoon’s shoulder. “You don’t have to keep telling me because I know. It’s just that… you know when all you happen to feel this emptiness and then there’s this chance to change it all. All you have is this one shot in life or else it’s game over.”

A pause.

“Did you just say game over?”

“Ji —”

“You’ve been spending too much time with Wonwoo,” Jihoon tells him with his nose scrunched up.

“He’s my best friend.” Soonyoung shrugs.

Jihoon pauses. “Then what does that make me?”

“My other… best friend?” Soonyoung stammers, eyebrows curled as he sounds uncertain. His grin said otherwise.

“Hey!” Jihoon gasps as he punches Soonyoung on the shoulder. “Why am I the other best friend?”

Soonyoung winces and swats his best friend’s hand away while he uses his other hand to rub his shoulder. He settles, “Fine, Wonwoo’s like my best roommate.”

“I’m telling Minghao.” Jihoon says as he clicks his tongue.

Soonyoung sighs and purses his lips, “Jihoon.”

Another pause.

“It’s just that… ” Jihoon feels his chest sink. There's quite a number of things Jihoon wants to express, a few words he knows Soonyoung has to hear at some point. Soonyoung raises his brows, anticipating what Jihoon has to say but Jihoon decides against it. “It's nothing. I'll always be happy for you, okay?"

Soonyoung nods, evidently a little disappointed, but his lips curve anyway. “You always have been, Ji. Besides, it’s only for two years.”

They’re not too far apart, but the distance they keep is safe. It’s somewhat a little too safe for two people who have been best friends for a good 5 years. It’s as if there’s this border from keeping them to go further than where they already are, but it’s safe.

Jihoon huffs out a breath of air. He likes safe.

“Didn’t you say there’s a chance for it to be longer than two years?” Jihoon recalls, pouting.

“Everything is uncertain.” Soonyoung assures him, rubbing both of Jihoon’s shoulders.

“Sometimes I fear I'll lose you."

Soonyoung’s smile falters and there’s a cut in the atmosphere that brings them into peril.

“You’ll always have me, Ji.”

There’s a little bit of irony in Soonyoung’s words. Jihoon wants to point out how Soonyoung just mentioned the uncertainty of life. He wants to point out how he was right, and his words are really nothing other than just words. But he settles for silence. Nothing but silence.

Everything is uncertain.

It’s Soonyoung’s voice that constantly rings in Jihoon’s head, panging like a headache that won’t go away. A voice so soft and delicate echoes through when everything falls silent, enough to slip through the cracks and trembles, daunting him like a ghost in the dark.

Jihoon has never been too fond of the unpredictability that the universe holds. Especially now, with Soonyoung leaving for Japan in a few months. Everything beyond is unknown and Jihoon doesn’t sit well with it.

Take college, for example. Months before Jihoon had even graduated, he completely dreaded the new so-called “chapter of his life”. Admittedly, there were less things to worry about for Jihoon, with most of his friends attending the same university. But now that he’s here with a fresh start, he can’t help but go back to the time when they were just teenagers in uniforms.

University meant a big campus with lots of different buildings, mismatched schedules and new people. University was everything big and new that made him feel so impeccably insignificant. All Jihoon wanted was for everything to go back to how it used to be.

Change didn’t really start until the close of their high school years. It was their last day of high school when Jihoon realized the reality of it all, the impermanence of their stay. Ironic to say when they had spent half their years cursing out the school and everything it stood for, hoping to graduate as soon as possible.

Last days always felt this bittersweet aftertaste. Something about being given one last chance to do anything as high school students held more value than it did in their most mediocre days. Jihoon found it to be a little silly, having to make everything memorable just because it was their last chance to do so. He does it anyway; find ways to remember this day, even if it was as mundane as walking around the campus with the boys eating twin pops with Soonyoung. (Though, that definitely already held more value than anything.)

At the end of the day it all just becomes a memory. The end of an era.

High school is known to be one of the most missed years. They always say that, and Jihoon has head a handful about how it really is the best days of your life. They always say how easier it used to be. How you'll actually miss wearing the uniform. How once it all comes to a close, all you wish is for a chance to go back.

Jihoon felt indifferent, to say the least. Nothing hit him like how his seniors said it would. All of it felt like a dream, like his soul was outside of his body as he watched the day go by.

Everything had been done and over with — well, for Jihoon and Wonwoo. Mingyu, Soonyoung and Seungcheol had proven to be crammers until the end, finishing their last set of unfinished papers and evaluation forms. Regardless, the day didn't really require any schedule and Jihoon didn't know why they were even required to attend class when nothing was going on.

After the three finally pass their final requirements, they kill the last few hours of their high school lives on the rooftop of their campus. The rooftop had been their sanctuary on the campus for three years now.

“I can’t believe we’re graduating in a week,” Soonyoung sighs, putting his hands in his pockets as he looks over the city skyline. The boys laugh in embarrassment. Soonyoung always had a knack in imitating lead actors in dramas and it was actually pretty accurate half the time.

“I can’t believe you made it,” Jihoon snickers from the side.

“Well, how does it feel to know I’ve proved you wrong?” Soonyoung asks as he inches towards Jihoon with a playful expression plastered on his face.

“Proud.”

Soonyoung beams and everyone falls silent as they’re taken aback with Jihoon’s shift in character. He’s unsteady in his spot and switches his weight from one foot to another. Soonyoung opens his mouth for a second, but settles for a small smile.

“Though, nothing’s official until you get your diploma.” Jihoon adds.

“You’ve always had something to say, Jihoon.”

"When it's attacking you, he definitely does." Mingyu points out, words enough to earn a smack on the head by Jihoon.

"You know I'm also surprised you made it," Jihoon accounts, snickering.

"What are you talking about?" Mingyu furrows his eyebrows, rubbing his head where Jihoon hit him. "I stepped up a grade!"

"My point exactly."

Wonwoo coughs, "He's saying you're too underdeveloped to be here."

"Fuck off!"

"He said it," Jihoon puts his hands up in defense. "...But it's kinda true."

“Oh, it’s definitely true.” Seungcheol says.

When they’re all thrown into a fit of laughter, it hits Jihoon. _This_. This is what they were going on and on about. This is exactly what he was going to miss. Nothing was ever going to be like this again. Even if in two years they’ll be together, it won’t be on the rooftop of their school.

This is a moment they will never have again.

“C’mon guys,” Seungcheol's voice cuts through. “Let’s go back before Mrs. Kang looks for us."

Nothing big happens. It's much more anticlimactic than Jihoon had anticipated. There are tears bridging the rim of their eyes, but that's all it is. Even after their final bow to their adviser, no waterfalls are falling down the cheeks of the students.

There are hints of sadness, though. The relief that the struggle is all over was evident, but the heavy emotions were kept in the folds of their hearts.

Before he realizes it, Jihoon is walking out of the front doors of his school with Mingyu, Wonwoo, Seungcheol and Soonyoung one last time in their uniforms. And he feels something for a moment. A little lonely. A little empty.

They head out to Mingyu’s family-owned ramen restaurant, a staple after-school meal for the group. For what it's worth, Jihoon’s grateful he can still have an excuse to get the beef stew even if high school is now done and over with.

“I’m so glad that’s fucking over,” is the first thing Mingyu decides to contribute to their conversation.

“I’m so glad I don’t have to help you on your assignments anymore.” Wonwoo muses, patting Mingyu on his head.

The younger grumbles, swatting Wonwoo’s hand away. Mingyu looks at Wonwoo with a teasing grin. “Who says you’re not going to anymore, hyung?”

“Is this what we get for all deciding to go to the same university?” Wonwoo groans. Once Mingyu slides down the bowl of ramen his expression clicks and he beams at the food in front of him.

“It’s weird,” Soonyoung sighs. “I was expecting everything to be sad, but it just feels… empty?”

“I was thinking the same," Seungcheol says, nodding his head. “I thought I'd be really sad and all, leaving this place behind, but I guess it’s 'cause I know I’ll be seeing you idiots next year.”

“Can’t let us go yet, huh, Cheol?” Soonyoung raises his eyebrows and smirks.

“Shut up.”

"Aw, that's cute he won't admit it but it's true." Soonyoung cooes and now they're all teasing their best friend.

"Whoever decided Soonyoung to join our group made a shit move," Seungcheol rubs his hand through his face as he fakes stress.

"It was your idea, dumbass." Jihoon reminds him

"Fuck you're right."

"I'm glad you guys are my group of friends, though." Jihoon speaks softly, but it's enough for everyone to stop and listen. "High school was kind of hard, but you guys made it bearable."

Everyone holds the sincerity in Jihoon’s words close to them, so much so that they all can’t help but stay silent. Jihoon was never one to explicitly expose his feelings and it all made them feel a little warm inside.

“Guys,” Soonyoung begins to say. “I made high school bearable for our Jihoonie!”

“He said all of us, Soon.” Wonwoo rolls his eyes, but he’s smiling wide.

“I’m still part of it!” Soonyoung exclaims as everyone could sense Soonyoung’s heart fluttering.

It isn't until Seungcheol brings up how good the Kim's restaurant is that everyone goes back to teasing and laughing. All of the light-hearted topics. And they go on like that until it reaches 7 PM, time completely passing them by like it's nothing. Wonwoo's the first to suggest going home once his mom asks for his whereabouts.

"See you guys on Saturday," Mingyu bids, his mother standing by his side to send off everyone.

“Thank you for the food, Mrs. Kim.” Seungcheol says, bowing to Mingyu’s mother. The other boys follow in suit.

“You four are always welcome!” Mingyu’s mother replies with a bright expression.

"Don't be late to your own graduation, Mingyu!" Soonyoung jokes.

"I'll try!" Mingyu calls out jokingly, who then groans in pain once his mother is slapping him on the shoulder.

As the four walk in the same direction, there's still a faint echo of Mingyu's mother scolding him for being late to class over the past years. They laugh softly. Jihoon glances back once more as Mingyu waves.

After convincing his mom, Jihoon was now in Soonyoung's house, staying for the night. It's become such a common occurrence that they both have clothes in each other's bedrooms just in case they happen to be spontaneous. Which in this case, they did.

It’s just Jihoon and Soonyoung now, wearing pajama pants and worn out t-shirts. They’re in Soonyoung’s room. The glow-in-the-dark stars stuck to Soonyoung’s ceiling have lost its glow. The longer Jihoon gazes at them the more he feels like time has passed him by. Though it’s been years, Jihoon remembers helping Soonyoung put up the stickers like it was just yesterday.

He remembers how Soonyoung wanted to put these up because he was nicknamed _Prince Hoshi_ by his relatives from Japan. Soonyoung would explain _Hoshi_ to mean star in Japanese again and again, and Jihoon would listen to it over and over.

It takes time to believe that it's been two years, give or take, since Soonyoung was assigned the seat next to his, having unknowingly barged into their lives. It's a wonder how Soonyoung ended up being Jihoon's best friend, managing to bring his walls down. Seungcheol often jokes about having grudges over being replaced, but everyone knew Jihoon and Soonyoung were just different.

Everyone but Jihoon and Soonyoung.

"Think you'll ever miss high school?” Jihoon asks.

They're both sprawled out on Soonyoung's bed and there's contentment when it's just the two of them. Not that Jihoon doesn’t like having his group of his friends. It’s just that with Soonyoung it was different. With Soonyoung there was comfort and warmth.

Soonyoung lets out a deep and heavy sigh and Jihoon watches the rise and fall of his chest. “I'm not sure. Will you?”

“I think so.” Jihoon nods.

“I'm kind of excited for university, though.” Soonyoung grins, and it's evident how ecstatic he is for change and a new season to come.

“You've always been.” Jihoon shaking his head in disbelief.

“It's too early to say, though, if I'll miss high school. I can say that for now I'm glad it's over.”

Jihoon adjusts his position to take a better view of Soonyoung. “You know they say university is harder?”

“But it's different!”

“It's _too_ different.”

“I know you’re scared, Ji.” Soonyoung’s always been confrontational, unapologetically bringing up what Jihoon would rather not mention. “But you’re one of our top students and I doubt you won’t be able to make it through anything. I’ll always be here for you every step of the way, Jihoonie, I know you'll make it.”

“You don't know anything.”

“I know enough.” Soonyoung counters. “We'll get through this together. Plus, I believe in you and that counts for something.”

“What does it count for, then?”

“Placebo effect.” Soonyoung shyly lets out a giggle.

Jihoon can't believe that this is the person who he puts all his hope, trust and comfort in.

“Jihoon,” Soonyoung calls out to drive Jihoon's attention from the faded stars to his eyes. “I know why you’re worrying so much and I know you don’t wanna talk about it, but as your best friend I have to tell you that you’ll be okay. And I’m not saying that because I’m your best friend. Whether it’s music or business management I know you’ll be okay. You have talent, and that will get you anywhere. I know you deny music, but I really do think it’s meant for you.”

Jihoon doesn't respond because he doesn't know how to. There’s always been a struggle with accepting compliments, much more when it comes from someone he cares deeply for. He stares at Soonyoung for a moment and is appalled at his sudden words. Where does he go from there?

“Is that how you feel about dance?” Jihoon asks. “I know you'd rather be in a different university, or that you'd rather be in a program you enjoy. I hate that you didn't get into an Arts school like you'd hope and I know that you hate the fact that I had the chance to—”

“—I don't hate anything, Jihoon.”

“Still, I can't help but feel guilty because I have the option to chase music and here you are working your ass off to make it big in performing, but life only puts you to major in marketing.”

Jihoon raises his hands in front of him, covering the stars stuck to the ceiling with his fingers. He squints, moving his fingers to get a better view and he leaves it there until Soonyoung grabs a hold of it, unexpectedly, almost causing Jihoon to curse.

“You don't have to be,” Soonyoung assures him, rubbing circles on Jihoon’s palm. “I can always try again or wait for something else. Besides, what harm can marketing bring me?”

“Probably the same harm business management will do for me.”

Soonyoung scoffs. “You'll do fine.”

Maybe he will do fine. Jihoon has been getting through life like this for long enough and perhaps this is a cause for celebration. But he doesn't feel that way.

“Do you ever wonder if you're making the right choice?”

“I think there isn't a right choice,” Soonyoung answers as he turns his head to Jihoon, eyebrows furrowed in concern. “Jihoon, are you sure you're okay?”

Jihoon merely hums out a reply as his eyelids flutter shut until all he can see is a black empty void. He fakes sleeping, trying to fall deep into his own world until he feels a poke in his cheeks.

“Jihoonie, what's wrong?” Between Soonyoung’s touch against his skin and the constant mention of the nickname, Jihoon’s skin feels heated the longer the seconds pass by. “You’ll do well, Jihoon.”

“You think so?” Jihoon opens his eyes and looks up at Soonyoung, squeezing the hand he never let go of.

“I know so.”

With a month left of their second semester of college, Jihoon resorts to spending his free time with Soonyoung. While it wasn't exactly his best idea to do in the middle of hell week, he didn't have any regrets. Currently, he was lying on Soonyoung's bed, composing a new song and completely at home in a dorm that wasn't his. Nothing has changed between him and Soonyoung ever since they graduated. Sometimes, when he goes through his day without picking at any small details, Jihoon doesn’t even feel like he ever left high school. College lectures and late nights aside, everything still felt like how it used to be. Jihoon likes it that way.

If anything, he’s only reminded that he actually is in college when he’s in Soonyoung’s dorm. It was nothing like his room back home. No presence of SHINee posters, no blue walls, no planetary displays, no corkboard of memories and trinkets. Everything in his dorm now is just white paint and three pictures lazily taped on the wall. Jihoon hates looking up at the ceiling, because now there aren’t any stars glowing (or fading). Now, it’s just empty.

There’s this urge of reminiscing the old days that Jihoon can’t seem to avoid. He can’t help but miss everything back home. The room that was clearly inhabited by the one and only Kwon Soonyoung. But he was only kidding himself. He knew it was more than a room that he missed. Jihoon knew he was somehow crazy, missing someone who hasn't even left yet.

Jihoon doesn’t know how he’ll survive without Soonyoung. Weeks have been passing by so quickly that Jihoon is now counting down the remaining time he has left his best friend. Time before Soonyoung gets on the next flight to Japan. It’s why Jihoon finds himself constantly soaking up all the free time has with Soonyoung, whether it’s eating lunch together, watching anime reruns or even studying.

Soonyoung is sat by the desk, attempting to write a position paper on the efficiency of proper marketing fashion to teenagers. It’s safe to say he’s spent a good 30 minutes doing nothing but spin in his swivel chair as he proceeds to groan in frustration. Every few minutes he’d roll over to the side of his bed and ask Jihoon which word would be better to use, or the synonym of a word, to which Jihoon would suggest: confront Google.

Working under pressure has always worked for Soonyoung, though it’s never been too good on his nerves and heart. His claims aren’t too far off, considering he does get most of his best marks with crammed work. But he also got his worst ones doing the same technique. It was a 50-50.

Jihoon figures that Soonyoung should try and approach his paper differently: actually write it a little earlier than he usually does, that is, two days before the due date. Consequently, Soonyoung reasons out that since Jihoon had suggested this new strategy he should also be by Soonyoung’s side for revisions and opinions. Jihoon doesn’t even hesitate in saying yes, because he's already been doing this for years.

Needless to say, progress is minimal.

The transition they went through to become the college students they are now was less thrilling than either had expected. Two years isn’t that too long of a time to change a person, and Jihoon is hoping that it will be the same case for when Soonyoung comes back from Japan.

“How come you never put up your SHINee posters in your dorm?” Jihoon asks, unapologetically interrupting Soonyoung’s focus as he throws the pillow up in the air over and over again

Soonyoung pauses, hands hovered over his keyboard. He turns to Jihoon with a puzzled look, “I thought you hated SHINee?”

“What?” Jihoon says, faking offense. Soonyoung deadpans, eyes narrowed. “I never said I hated SHINee. It’s just that you have this kind of weird obsession with it.”

“It is not weird,” Soonyoung chides, pushing his chair away from the table and towards his bed. It was too late now; Soonyoung had taken the bait and he was definitely more than distracted.

“It kind of is.”

“Is not.”

“It is.”

Soonyoung groans, “Yeah, anyways, I was going to.” He stops and spins in his chair to take a look around his room. “But then I realized I’m only going to be staying here for another couple months. I don’t want to go through the hassle.”

“So all this time you’ve been telling us you told us you were trying to be minimalistic was just an excuse for being lazy?” Jihoon chides before clicking his tongue in disapproval.

“That’s rich coming from you.” Soonyoung chuckles, shaking his head.

“I am not lazy!” Jihoon exclaims a little too loudly.

“Jihoonie,” Soonyoung calls out. “For one thing, you barely decorate anything in your room because you claim to be a minimalist as well. Second, every time I get you to leave the house with me you’re always complaining about being too tired and lazy to go around.”

“I’m not lazy,” Jihoon mumbles one more time, curling his lips. Soonyoung uses this as a signal to get back to work, softly laughing at his best friend.

Jihoon’s gaze falls on Soonyoung and everything he is. He never wants this to fade away like the stars in Soonyoung’s old room. The idea of handling skype calls and texting made his guts turn inside out. He wants what he has now: face-to-face, lunch dates, study dates, anime reruns. Everything.

But their stars were fading and it’s nearing its end.

“Soonyoung, I have something to tell you.” Jihoon utters, dreading his spur of the moment decision and the consequences that came with it

Soonyoung treads carefully, wary of his movements. He keeps a smile plastered on his face nonetheless. “Ji, why do you sound so serious?”

“It’s good news, I swear.” Jihoon says, fumbling in his spot as his eyes dart around the room. He settles for the wooden paneling and musters up the courage to speak.

“Wait,” Soonyoung says. Jihoon looks up. “I have good news, too.”

“Unfair,” Jihoon pouts which causes the other to laugh softly. “I was first.”

“You’re so childish. Mine is probably as exciting, anyway.”

“Which is why I should go first.” Jihoon reasons. “That way, after you tell your news, we won’t be disappointed with mine.”

Soonyoung is defeated, sighing as he’s playfully annoyed. “Fine.”

In the four years Jihoon has known Soonyoung, there have barely been any secret kept. While Soonyoung has had his fair share of (now exposed) secrets — like how he used to place snacks on Jihoon’s table during exam season, or how he used Jihoon’s name to get the same perks the student council receives (i.e. resting in the student council room, borrowing more comic books from the library than allowed, roaming the halls during class) — anything between the two of them hasn’t been too extreme, really.

If Jihoon were being honest, he’s been the one with the big secret. Years of harboring a crush on your best friend is as big as it can get. Jihoon has been dragging it on for so long now that it’s growing heavier and deeper as time passes him by.

And now there’s this. Big news he had never intended on keeping. Jihoon takes a big breath.

“I got a scholarship to Pledis.”

Soonyoung falters.

“Oh.”

Two letters. All that came out of Soonyoung's mouth was a gasp of air, a second of realization. It didn't sound too good, either. Soonyoung's tone was a little low, a little disappointed? And it's all Jihoon gets as he sits there with Soonyoung's dumbfounded expression written all over his face.

Jihoon feels his chest sink and throat tightening. “Soonyoung, this wasn’t really the reaction I was expecting.”

He watches as Soonyoung tries to pull himself together, a semi-forced smile on his lips. He lets out a soft breath of laughter before he stumbles on his words.

“No, Ji, don’t get me wrong. I’m proud of you.” Soonyoung rambles, getting himself back on track. “I just wasn’t expecting this, but I’m happy! I really am — oh my fucking God, wait does this mean you’re finally going to pursue music? Holy shit, you’re gonna be a musician. Oh my _God_ we’re going to be the best duo out there. Your music, my dance. Wait how come I didn’t know about this? When did you even apply? Holy _fuck._ ”

There’s this release in Jihoon’s chest. He feels a sense of relief, like he can breathe again.

“Soonyoung, calm down.” Jihoon tells him. Soonyoung’s hands find its way to Jihoon’s. “Seungcheol’s friend, Joshua—the one we met at dinner during first sem—he studies at Pledis and has like a cousin who works there. They basically convinced me to apply and I got in.”

"Holy shit, Jihoon, we need to celebrate!"

Soonyoung's overwhelming positive support has Jihoon in a fit of giggles. Jihoon hasn't let go of his hands and as Soonyoung flails his arms around, Jihoon follows.

"Slow down, Soonyoung we have plenty of time later."

What Jihoon doesn't expect is to be pulled into Soonyoung's arms. Soonyoung wraps himself around Jihoon, resting his chin in the nook of the younger's neck. It's warm and cozy, just how Jihoon knows it to be.

"I'm so proud of you, Jihoon." Soonyoung says, eyes shut as he tightens the hug.

"Thank you, Soonyoung," Jihoon hums into the fabric of Soonyoung's sweater. He stays there for a while, soaking in all he has of Soonyoung. "Now what was your good news?" Jihoon looks up, not letting himself part from the hug.

"Forget it," he says. "Today is your day."

**_a month earlier._ **

When Jihoon is stuck in between his two roommates on a tight bench in their kitchen area he really wants to curse Seungcheol. _God_ , how he hated Seungcheol for successfully fooling them into buying two stools and a bench over actual and stable dining chairs.

 _"It's a cheaper alternative!"_ Seungcheol argued that day.

He wasn't actually wrong, but Jihoon knew in the back of his mind that the few bucks they'd be saving was not worth the back pain and hassle these chairs would provide. Alas, once Mingyu had been convinced there was no going back.

 _"It will look good in our apartment!"_ Mingyu added, as the two cornered Jihoon into chipping in for the furniture.

They’re huddled — cramped around Jihoon's laptop, the bright screen blazing right into their eyes. Among the unopened emails now heading to count **(1196)** , was an email he had been dreading to arrive. There it is, in bold letters:

**Pledis University of Arts and Performance Admission Results**

Jihoon could barely even swallow the extent that this held, if he were to be accepted. There was this swirling sensation in his insides that could be seemingly compared to butterflies, except it felt like it was wasps eating him alive.

Everything felt like it was a now or never situation and somehow that seemed out of character. Jihoon was okay with where he was. He was supposed to be.It was all changing too quickly, without warning and on full speed.

Everything was so uncertain.

Then it rings in his head, the voice. Soonyoung.

Soonyoung walks right into his clutter of thoughts and Jihoon wonders, for even just a split-second if this was how Soonyoung felt the whole time he was waiting on his dance scholarship.

Jihoon shakes his head. _No_ , because Soonyoung must have definitely felt worse than this. For Soonyoung it meant the world. For Jihoon, this meant a chance.

“Jihoon,” Seungcheol warns, snapping Jihoon out of his mind. “If you aren’t going to open that fucking email then I will.”

Jihoon glares at Seungcheol, starting to move the cursor. “Alright, alright.”

He doesn't click it right away. For a moment Jihoon thinks he needs a breath and then he'll be able to do it. A deep breath accompanied by shaking hands. Mingyu complains about how this is more nerve-wracking for him because Jihoon won't click the _Goddamn_ email.

"Hyung!" Mingyu cries out again as he waits Jihoon to make a move.

And then Jihoon does it.

_Click._

When the email opens its almost an instinct for Jihoon to wince and hide from the truth awaiting him. He turns his head to Seungcheol, too terrified to know the news.

Mingyu, however, is too loud for his own good.

"Hyung!" Mingyu exclaims, repeating himself in a different tone from before. He shakes Jihoon from side to side and it doesn't take too long before Seungcheol follows in suit. The two are chanting and cheering with all kinds of words.

Despite the call for celebration and loud (very loud) cheers, Jihoon can't help but see it himself. He can't accept the truth until he carefully opens an eye to check the result. His heart skips a beat.

**Dear Lee Jihoon,**

**We are pleased to tell you that you have been accepted—**

His line of sight falls there. That's all he needs to see. There's a rush of accomplishment and relief that passes through him. Everything clears. He suddenly understands why Soonyoung had almost cried when he found out. And now he suddenly feels like the most selfish person for twistedly hoping that Soonyoung would just stay in Korea instead.

“Yah, Jihoon-ah, this better mean you’ll treat me to meat for convincing you to apply!” Seungcheol says as he's got a smile plastered on his face. Jihoon rolls his eyes, even if he knows he'll actually do as Seungcheol says. “I’m so proud of you.”

Mingyu still has his arms around Jihoon and has his head rested on his shoulder. He's gone completely still and silent and Jihoon attempts to take a look, but Mingyu's face is covered.

“Hyung, I'm happy for you, but I'll miss you.” Mingyu mumbles, grasping onto Jihoon tighter.

It leaves Jihoon speechless. He hasn't even been able to get a word out from getting the scholarship and now he can barely come to terms with what's going to happen, how everything's going to change.

He's hit a full circle and has fully come to terms with what it feels like having to leave and having to be left behind. Both ends suck. He feels really sucky.

“You’re so sappy, Mingyu.” Seungcheol comments, smacking Mingyu’s head from behind Jihoon. His arms are now around Jihoon and they’re entangled in a group hug.

“It’s true!” Mingyu’s words are muffled.

“I'll miss you too.” Jihoon chuckles.

Pledis hadn't always been an option in Jihoon's life choices. In fact, he never even thought of it until Seungcheol's _friend_ had mentioned a scholarship program for music. Seungcheol, being the supportive best friend (though, both Mingyu and Soonyoung would argue for the title), decided to convince Jihoon to even just think about it.

Jihoon had been happy with where he was, the steady flow of his life and his major in business management. He was settled and he definitely did _not_ want more change to come. But this was music. His first love and even Jihoon had to admit this opportunity was a rare one.

So he applied, got an email the next day, auditioned the week after, took an exam two weeks after that and waited for a whole two months.

He didn't tell anyone about it. Supposedly Mingyu should have been kept in the dark, but Seungcheol has never been too good at keeping secrets. He talks too much and tends to overshare. Jihoon made the excuse that he doesn't want any false hope, but even he knew there was probably a different excuse for that.

Jihoon almost regrets letting Soonyoung plan his whole celebration. He's gathered close friends, which are essentially the same high school circle with new additions such as Minghao, Soonyoung's roommate and Jun from Jihoon's Marketing class).

Soonyoung always called for big celebrations and lots of food and lots of drinks. They're in the middle of a downtown bar that was packed with a bunch of other college students out on a Thursday night. Soonyoung is practically paying for everything, constantly calling out shots and more of the complimentary snacks.

Being lightweight is a trait that Jihoon has never appreciated, but it often gives him an excuse to talk out of drinking with his friends. He's always been used to being that friend who had to take care of anyone else. But Soonyoung wasn't letting him off easy.

"This is _your_ celebration, Jihoon!" Soonyoung screams throughout the bar, adrenaline high. He wasn't drunk, just really hyperactive that he deems climbing onto the table as something appropriate. "Everyone! My best friend just got into a _fucking_ art school!"

A few other drunk students in the bar cheered and clapped while the others stared a little too awkwardly. It's Minghao that manages to get Soonyoung off of the table and calm him down. The others don't even bother, laughing and drinking at their friend that everyone else thinks is drunk.

"I can't believe you're actually deciding to pursue music now," Wonwoo speaks up, tipping his bottle of beer to Jihoon before he drinks. "I'm proud of you."

"It was a kind of impulsive decision," Jihoon shrugs, drinking whatever it was Soonyoung had slipped into his hands. He knew nothing about alcohol except for beer and shots and mojitos.

"Yeah, thanks to me!" Seungcheol says, eyebrows furrowed.

"It's Jihoon's night, Seungcheol!" Soonyoung buts in. "Claim your credit when he's out changing the industry."

"You're all so stupid." Wonwoo comments, chuckling at his tipsy friends.

"Says you," Jihoon replies.

"Excuse me, Wonwoo, who got better in that one exam?" Seungcheol raises his voice.

"Hyung, are you okay?" Minghao asks. "You're acting a little weird today, it seems as if you're lacking attention."

"Oh, he's definitely lacking attention." Jun smirks before taking a sip.

"Shut up, Jun!"

"Enough!" Soonyoung exclaims before raising his hand to call out for a waiter. "10 shots, please!"

"Soonyoung, there are only 7 of us." Seungcheol comments.

"It's not bad to have extra shots." Soonyoung winks. Everyone groans and cringes at Soonyoung's lack of dignity.

The whole night goes on with banter and a few drinking games to decide who finishes the drinks that Soonyoung ordered. It's Jihoon who almost knocks out first, completely drunk and out of balance. His whole face is burning red and he's giggling at everything.

Once Mingyu and Minghao are both drunk, they decide the night to be over. They were beginning to evaluate everyone's fashion much too bluntly and it was soon going to hurt drunk Jun's feelings. No one can handle the '97 best friends when they're drunk. Whether it was arguing over ramyun or running around the streets like a bunch of children, no one was up for the challenge.

They walk home with struggle. Seungcheol and Wonwoo try to manhandle three drunk people, hoping none of them trip on their own feet as they walk back to their dorms. Soonyoung decides to bring Jihoon home to his. That, and all Jihoon had been requesting was to lie down next to Soonyoung.

Sober Jihoon would have definitely wanted to smack his drunken self. He was grateful that he hadn't blurted out anything else.

Soonyoung allows Jihoon to wrap his arm around his neck as they carefully tread back home. They're behind all their friends, a few steps away from everyone else laughing at something stupid Mingyu did.

"Soonyoung!" Jihoon says, giggling immediately after.

"Yes, Ji?" Soonyoung looks to his side to see Jihoon's eyes half closed, ready to sleep.

"You never told me your good news."

"Oh."

"You have to stop saying that, I keep getting confused." Jihoon talks a little slower than he'd normally would, words dragged out.

"It will take your day away from you, maybe next time." Soonyoung chuckles softly.

"Well my day is over and it's just the two of us."

For being drunk, Jihoon wasn't too bad at speaking. Perhaps it was from all the words he had suppressed when he was sober that managed to come out now.

"I was thinking about not taking the scholarship." Soonyoung admits, voice soft.

"What?" Jihoon exclaims loud enough for their friends to glance them. He looks up at Soonyoung. "How is that good news?"

"I don't know, it means I'll be staying and that's good news to me."

“Soonyoung, are you nuts?” Jihoon raises his voice and squeezes Soonyoung's shoulder. “Japan is-" He stutters, coughing. "it's just, you know! Japan."

Yup, Soonyoung could clearly see Jihoon was still obviously drunk.

“There's so much comfort here,” Soonyoung admits, eyes wavering. “There's this dorm, the university, the people, the food down the street —”

" _Really?_ You'll stay because of food?”

“It's not just that,” Soonyoung continues, but steadies his pace so that drunk Jihoon can catch on. “It's the course, too. Lately, as much as I complain, I've been kind of liking what I'm doing and appreciating the hard work I put into it. The effort I'm putting out feels more worth it used to the first time around, Ji.”

"Aren't you settling?"

"What? No, I'm not settling."

“What about dancing?”

“I can always do it here can't I?” Soonyoung says, though it sounds like a question he isn't so sure of himself. “But it's still something I've been thinking of, so don't —"

The conversation is cut off by Jihoon, who runs to the nearest trash can as he pukes the remains of his stomach, alcohol and fish crackers. Soonyoung rubs his back, supporting his drunk friend and the state he put him in. Meanwhile, everyone ahead of them hears the commotion and cheers Jihoon for being the second to throw up (first being Minghao).

"Talk later. Sleep now."

Sleep now wasn’t technically possible considering they were about two blocks away from home. Soonyoung does, however, follow the command of talking later. When they walk it’s quiet. Only the echoes of their friends laughing and shouting is what fills in the space between Jihoon and Soonyoung.

Once they do get to Soonyoung’s dorm, Soonyoung’s first initiative is to wash up even if it means physically dragging Jihoon around the room. Although Soonyoung had been essentially a babysitter for Jihoon, he was evidently relieved in getting out of a conversation he was ready for. Neither of them were ready for it.

One thing Jihoon forgot he ever dreaded about Soonyoung was his god awful alarm that goes off exactly at the time 7:00 AM and every 5 minutes thereafter. It starts off with normal alarm clock ringtone, then transitions into church bells and ends with SHINee’s _Ring Ding Dong_. Ever since Wonwoo had taught him how to edit audio on his phone, Soonyoung had been experimenting with alarm tones for the past year now.

In high school, Soonyoung wasn’t as advanced. He had the traditional alarm clocks that you had to get up and turn off. But, _God_ , did Jihoon want to rip Soonyoung’s hair out for having to choose the most aggravating alarms that didn’t even wake him up.

Jihoon sits up abruptly, squinting his eyes. The only light source comes from the hallway, the bedroom door cracked open. When he looks around he finds Soonyoung sprawled on a thin cushion spread on the floor. It’s apparent from the way Soonyoung looks that his sleeping position is nowhere near comfortable.

The first plan of action Jihoon decides on is reaching over Soonyoung’s phone to turn off the alarm. What he forgets to do is turn off the alarms that follow. Uncertain why, Jihoon sits through three runs of the alarm. But when _Ring Ding Dong_ plays for the 5th time that morning, Jihoon staring blankly in front of him as he questions all the days he had slept over Soonyoung’s, he needs to make a move.

"Soonyoung," his voice is soft, almost as if he doesn't want to wake up the sleeping boy.

Jihoon crawls over the edge of the bed, tapping on Soonyoung's face to get his eyes to flutter open. If Mingyu were here he would have just shouted straight into Soonyoung's ear to get him to wake up. Jihoon was tempted, though.

"Soonyoung," Jihoon repeats. “Please wake up or I might have to hit your face with this pillow.”

Soonyoung groans, rolling over to turn his back on Jihoon. There were two different ways Jihoon would have handled the situation: (1) grab the phone, turn off all alarms, get some sleep for the both of them and possibly miss class, or (2) hit Soonyoung in the face with a pillow and tell him to get his alarm.

He settled for the latter.

Nothing new happened. Soonyoung crouched and took cover, exclaiming he'll get up as Jihoon commands. He finally turns off all of the alarms and now they're both still lying down, enjoying the calm atmosphere before the both head out to their classes.

"Why were you sleeping on the floor?"

"Huh?" Soonyoung asks puzzled, almost looking as if he forgot where he were sleeping. "Why?"

"I don't know, like, why were you sleeping there? It's so uncomfortable. We've always shared beds."

"Tell that to drunk Jihoon," Soonyoung states matter-of-factly.

"What? I did not!" Jihoon objects, refusing to think he did anything remotely stupid while being drunk.

"Jihoon, after I struggled to wash your face and asked you to get into different clothes it was almost impossible to join you on the bed. You covered the bed with your whole body like how a dog marks his territory."

"Dogs pee when they mark their territory, Soonyoung." Jihoon says.

"Right, wrong analogy. Anyways, I'm just glad you aren't as bad as Minghao. Mingyu texted me to say to take care of Minghao since the boy isn't bothering going to class, which is also surprising because I'm sure Mingyu was pretty drunk last night. Guess his hangover wasn't too bad."

"Ugh," Jihoon winces, rubbing his temples. "Don't even remind me. My head has been killing me ever since the second run of _Ring Ding Dong_."

"I said I'm sorry, okay!"

If anything, Jihoon was incredibly lucky for having mild hangovers in comparison to everyone else. Minghao was particularly having it worse now. Luckily, Jihoon's isn't as bad as he was expecting and it's probably all the water Soonyoung forced down his throat. It worked.

After Jihoon complains about his hangover for the nth time, Soonyoung finally decides it's time for them to eat breakfast. The amateur chef cooks a simple seaweed soup he learned from his grandmother despite Jihoon insisting to buy delivery instead.

Minghao was still in his room, not bothering to join them and blamed Soonyoung for the reason he was in the state he was, even if Minghao was the one who insisted more shots because Soonyoung was paying. Soonyoung, being the thoughtful roommate he was, dropped a glass of water and a bowl of soup by his bed stand though.

“Hey, you’re still not thinking of staying are you?” Jihoon asks, causing Soonyoung to almost drop the bowl in front of Jihoon.

“What?”

“You said last night you were having second thoughts about Japan,” Jihoon says.

“You remember that?" Soonyoung asks frozen in his spot, bowl still in his hand.

"Of course I remember it," Jihoon says, puzzled. "I always remember shit even when I'm drunk."

"Oh, _right_."

"Well, are you?"

"No."

"Good."

"You have to stop worrying about me, Ji." Soonyoung lets out a deep and exasperated sigh and it scares Jihoon for a moment. He finally hands the bowl to Jihoon who grabs it thankfully.

There’s something about the way Soonyoung reacts to everything that almost scares Jihoon. He can’t help but feel as if he’s clinging on to Soonyoung way too much. He’s scared that all he’s doing is suffocating his best friend.

"That's impossible," Jihoon says, finally getting a sip out his soup. "Besides, I just can't help but think of how much you'll miss out if you don't take it. You might regret it. No, you probably will. How come you never told me, anyway?"

"Probably the same reason why you never told me you applied for Pledis."

"When Seungcheol convinced me I didn't want any false hope,” Jihoon points his spoon to Soonyoung. “I didn't want to tell anyone because it might not even turn out the way I'd hope it would. This is different"

“That's unfair!” Soonyoung scoffs. “Seungcheol keeps trying to take the best friend title away from me.”

“Off topic here,” Jihoon says. “But you know, Seungcheol has been around for a while.”

“Shut up, Ji!” Soonyoung slaps Jihoon on the shoulder, a little too strong. “I'll always be the best friend. And a proud one at that.”

Jihoon looks up at Soonyoung. The boy’s completely distracted by the food in front of him and barely notices the way Jihoon gazes. It’s soft and there’s longing. "Soonyoung, I want you to be happy too, okay?”

The edges of Soonyoung’s lips curve slightly. “I’m good, Jihoon. I promise.”

It’s 2 AM in the morning when Jihoon hears a series of knocking on the door, followed by a single ring of the doorbell. Jihoon is stumbling through the dimly lit hallway, avoiding all the clutter that he, Mingyu and Seungcheol left around.

Nothing could have prepared Jihoon to the sight of Soonyoung standing precariously when the door swung open. Soonyoung’s eyes are red, sore probably from all the crying. Marks of tears were evident on his cheeks.

Jihoon’s breath hitched. “What happened?”

Soonyoung doesn’t say anything. Instead, he launches himself towards Jihoon and Jihoon doesn’t hesitate to welcome him in his arms. As Soonyoung grasps onto Jihoon’s shirt, he starts trembling. Soonyoung reeks of alcohol and Jihoon figures, considering the state he was in.

“Soonyoung,” Jihoon soothes, rubbing Soonyoung’s back. “I’m here. I’m right here.”

When Soonyoung pulls back, Jihoon meets his gaze. Tears start brimming the edges of Soonyoung’s eyes just before it begins to fall down his cheeks. It rolls down, slow and steady, but Jihoon feels his heart free fall at an instantaneous speed. It sinks deeper. And deeper.

Jihoon brings his best friend to his room. Soonyoung is seated on the edge of Jihoon’s bed, as he holds onto the glass of water Jihoon offered him. Jihoon kneels in front of Soonyoung, facing him eye-to-eye.

“What happened?”

Then Soonyoung speaks.

“I just — I feel it in my heart.” Soonyoung breathes out.

“What do you mean, Soon?”

“I just can’t stop thinking about it. It starts in my heart and then suffocates me enough to make me feel like I’m choking. I just want it to _stop_.”

There’s a vague familiarity that evokes a memory in Jihoon’s mind. The only time he’d seen Soonyoung like this was when they were in their second year of high school, still young and dazed.

It was the year Jihoon came out.

Jihoon came out after admittedly developing feelings for some senior who played baseball with him. It faded after a month, but his feelings towards the same sex didn’t. It was also the year Jihoon had realized why his heart did little flips every time Soonyoung was around.

Among all of his friends, Soonyoung was the first to know. Jihoon told Soonyoung confidently on the top of the rooftop and honest to the heart, he was fucking terrfieid. They never really tell you how scary everything is going to be. How all your words will be stuck in the back of your throat when all you want is for it to be over. Once he had finally gotten over his little obstacles, Soonyoung had shown nothing but support.

“I’m proud of you, Jihoonie. That was really brave of you to do.” Soonyoung said that day.

Nothing changed. Jihoon was relieved to know that Soonyoung wasn’t homophobic, as well as the rest of his friends who supported him throughout the whole experience.

Over the course of a week, though, Soonyoung started to act differently. Jihoon’s confession had striked questions about Soonyoung’s own identity. It wasn’t until the end of the week, during another sleepover at Jihoon’s house, that Soonyoung poured his heart out to Jihoon.

Soonyoung was completely frantic of this possible newfound realization. Jihoon makes mention of how Soonyoung doesn’t need to know right away, and that sometimes he doesn’t even need to come to a conclusion. Coming to terms with the reality of the situation was the hard part for Soonyoung. Realizing the difficulty that came with wanting to be his true self was bringing anxiety.

He cried himself to sleep that night, with Jihoon hugging him as tight as he could. It was all he could do. The next morning Soonyoung promises Jihoon to be the first person to know if ever those were the odds.

They never got back to the issue. Years later, it was as if nothing happened. But with everything that Soonyoung was saying and the way his heart felt as if it was shattering to pieces, this all seemed too familiar.

“I just don’t want it to fade away, Jihoon.” Soonyoung tells him. Jihoon places the water to the side as he holds his best friend in his arms. “Why does Japan have to be so far away?”

“You’ll be okay, Soon.” Jihoon comforts, trying to convince himself the same thing. He doesn’t know what else to say so he keeps quiet, letting Soonyoung’s cries fill in the room.

It feels as if he’s in second year again.

Questions are still left floating in the corners of the room, neither of them finding the necessary time to bring it up. Surely, Jihoon had a handful to ask, but he knows this was not the time. Soonyoung cries in Jihoon’s arms that night. Just like second year.

Come morning, Soonyoung is gone. It’s as if he never passed by late that night. They never bring it up again, not even Seungcheol, who heard what had happened in the middle of the night. Not even Mingyu and his nosy habits.


	2. i think i'm falling

**PART 2**

**IT CAME IN BURSTS.**

It used to come in bursts. The happy moments — currents of high spirits, the rush of adrenaline running through their veins, everything at ease, steady. All they did was come and go.

Now, they threaten to never return. Tranquility follows, waves completely static that sometimes Jihoon fears he may never see the high tides again, that this void he’s stuck in will eat him alive.

Sometimes he prefers when the bursts come, even if they never bothered staying. At least, then, it existed at that moment. When the outburst stayed, so did Soonyoung. Each swing of emotion was accompanied by the easy pull on Jihoon’s heartstrings as he looked into Soonyoung’s eyes, listening to the endless stories Soonyoung would pull around. His sweet honey voice that patched the empty holes in Jihoon’s heart had faded into the distance.

Soonyoung is nowhere near within Jihoon’s reach, he’s far gone and the outburst follows him, falling completely out of the perimeters.

Seasons changed when spring marched to the beat of Jihoon’s heartbeat; swift and unruly. It arrived on his doorstep, unsought for. But Jihoon had no choice but to move with the speed of the wind. First year of university was coming to a close and so was this chapter of their lives.

It all starts in the beginning of February, when their second semester is left with two weeks before it’s time to mark off their first year of university.

Jihoon isn’t too ready.

When he entered university with all of his friends, he didn’t expect to be leaving the year after. He figured then that goodbyes wouldn’t be happening until their final years, until they’re dressed in togas and certificates in hand. Jihoon never expected any of this, and it was out of his control.

Leaving is always different each time. Jihoon has to admit that this is harder than leaving high school because when he left high school, it was something everyone had to go through. Everyone was transitioning into a mature version of themselves (ideally, at least). At least, at that time, Jihoon knew he wasn’t alone. Unlike now, where it’s just him against the world. This time Jihoon only had himself to endure this new beginning.

A lot happens within the month they have left. It’s only then that it occurs to Jihoon how this is the last time everything will be the way it is now. Just like it was in their last days of high school.

There’s a bittersweet taste, remnants left on the tip of their tongues. It was evident in all their friends, as well. No one was too thrilled with how fast things were going along. Showing support was easy, and as much as they gave it, Jihoon wasn’t oblivious and could read between the lines. None of them wanted it to have gone this way.

Jihoon kind of doesn’t either.

Hell week is spent in their dorm, Soonyoung, Wonwoo, Jun and Minghao all welcoming themselves into the comfort of Jihoon and his roommates’ home. They make a complete mess, scattering papers all over, ballpens losing their ink and their caps, and cups of coffee and ramen piled on top of the other.

“What better way than to spend hell together?” Soonyoung had suggested the day prior.

There was definitely a better way.

Jihoon could list down at least a few different ways they could have efficiently spent hell week together, none of it being this. Nonetheless, they do end up spending it together. Minghao, Mingyu and Jun occupy the dining table, claiming the need for a proper surface for their art projects. No complaints are made as the rest settle into the couch and carpet floors, surrounding a coffee table.

Being cramped aside, their whole purpose in this whole setup was to group study. Apparently, group studying is proven to be effective, at least, that’s what Wonwoo once read somewhere online. Now that Jihoon thinks about it, it could be completely false.

Either way, it’s definitely _not_. Whether or not it’s deemed effective for others, this was not an ideal environment for Jihoon to be surrounded in. Time was scarce, scheduled exams soon to begin and unwanted projects soon to be due. Perhaps Jihoon had to give themselves some credit considering they had gotten in a good 45 minutes of studying.

They were long gone when Soonyoung had decided to spend the whole break blasting SHINee’s best hits — mind you, Soonyoung would say, it’s their whole discography. Jun was the only one willing to put up with Soonyoung’s antics while everyone else watched, using the live performance as an excuse to pretend that they hadn’t noticed their 15-minute break ending 10 minutes ago.

“Minghao aren’t you a dancer? Why aren’t you joining them?” Mingyu says, a little too mockingly.

Minghao is leaning against the wall, arms crossed over his chest as he shakes his head and hastily retorts, “I don’t associate myself with them.”

“It’s like watching people play _Just Dance_ except they don’t flail their arms around and can actually dance.” Jihoon muses as he watches from the couch.

“You would say,” Seungcheol says softly enough for only Jihoon and Joshua to hear him. He has a provoking smirk on his face that Jihoon wants to wipe clean.

“ _You_ shut the fuck up,” Jihoon curses under his breath.

“Okay!” Wonwoo leaves his seat, walking over to grab Soonyoung’s phone that’s balancing on top of three textbooks. The music abruptly stops with the swipe of Wonwoo’s finger. “This has to stop.”

“Hey!” Soonyoung and Jun exclaim at the same time, heads turning towards Wonwoo’s direction.

The three get into a fit, looking like a bunch of children fighting over a phone. Several attempts are made, but Wonwoo is strong-willed (surprisingly) and manages to keep the phone away from the owner’s reach.

“I’m starting to get annoyed at SHINee as much as Jihoon. You do _not_ want me to go there.”

Jihoon can’t help but scoff defensively. “I am _not_ annoyed at SHINee.”

“ _Ring Ding Dong_.”

“Okay,” Jihoon mumbles. “Maybe that song I am annoyed at.” He tries to give Soonyoung a small smile, but the other only retreats with a disapproving shake of the head.

“I’d rather waste my break watching Youtube than watching you two dance to the same song on repeat.” Wonwoo scowls.

No one objects, even Soonyoung and Jun who were both denied dancing privileges. The two settle on the carpet floor and wait as Wonwoo connects his laptop to a semi-rundown TV that Seungcheol had lying around in his old house.

“You’re harsh,” Jihoon scrunches his face.

“He’s Wonwoo,” Seungcheol states, the rest kind of nodding along in agreement.

“Guys,” Minghao pipes up, evident he’s a little pissed off. “I don’t know if you noticed, but our break has been over for a few minutes now.”

“Well, we did just study for a long time,” Jun says, trying to bargain.

Minghao groans loudly before gathering his materials from the kitchen table. He makes his way down the hall and calls out from Mingyu’s room, “Come on, Mingyu!”

“What’s happening?” Mingyu looks around to find Minghao coming back to take Mingyu's belongings as well.

“We’re studying in your room, in peace. I need you to quiz me for our Art History class.”

“Oh,” Mingyu says softly, but stands up and follows Minghao. “We’re not watching?”

“Nope,” Minghao shakes his head, a loud pop as he speaks.

Mingyu complies and helps Minghao gather the remaining of their things. Everyone watches, a little too amused at how quick Mingyu was to follow.

“No funny business, boys!” Soonyoung yells out, head held high.

“Yeah, as if you and Jihoon don’t do this on a daily!” Minghao retaliates.

It shuts everyone up, especially Jihoon, who doesn’t speak for the next hour. He feels his burn and his heart pounds quickly. Soonyoung only laughs sarcastically, but he doesn’t look at Jihoon for a while, almost avoiding his gaze. There's nothing after that follows, between the two of them at least.

Soonyoung and Jihoon decide to also spend their lunch breaks together, using it as a time to strategically come up with a proper schedule for facetime calls and messaging hours. It’s Mingyu who dares to tease the two for acting like a complete couple and it’s Soonyoung (no, not Jihoon) who smacks Mingyu in the head.

“Hyung!” Mingyu complains, tugging on Jihoon’s arm. They’re all gathered in the cafeteria, the whole gang watching Mingyu be a child. “I need facetime calls with you too!”

“What?!” Soonyoung scowls with brows creased. “Mingyu, you’re literally going to be in the same country as him.”

“I don’t care!” Mingyu tightens his grip, head rested on Jihoon’s shoulder. His eyes are shut tight and nose wrinkled. Jihoon is repulsed, pushing Mingyu off but to no avail.

"Glad to know that between you and Seungcheol, there’s joint custody rights on Mingyu.” Jun pipes up.

“Excuse me?” Seungcheol coughs on his food. “I’m just the uncle who has to take care of him. He’s _Soonyoung's_ child, if anything.”

“I can hear you guys, you know,” Mingyu opens an eye before he finally lets go of Jihoon, pouting at his invisibility in the group.

“Please,” Jihoon interjects. “Soonyoung is more of a child than Mingyu over here.”

“I completely disagree,” Minghao comments, raising his hand in the air.

“Okay,” Seungcheol’s mouth quirks up slightly. “Then, Minghao, get your boyfriend in check.”

Everyone almost chokes on their food. Mingyu is beyond flustered that he barely realizes how Minghao's cheeks turn red. Coughs are let out before the eruption of laughter. While Wonwoo and Jun remains a little less amused, already used to the jokes of their friends getting together, Soonyong and Jihoon are crying on each other’s shoulders from laughing too hard.

 _God_ , was Jihoon going to miss this.

It's when their semester ends that Jihoon really feels the transition. Stripping down a wall plastered with pictures and memories only to reveal an empty white wall was enough to remind him of the reality. One by one, from books to projects to his stationary placed on top of surfaces, Jihoon had to get rid of it all. His guitars were back in their case, as well as the rest of his music equipment. All his clothes were dumped into a large luggage while the remaining of his belongings slowly filled storage boxes to the brim.

"I never realized how big your room was," Soonyoung comments.

"You never really notice it until you move out, huh?" Jihoon voice is airy, or maybe it's the echoes the emptiness now creates.

Soonyoung pats Jihoon on the back. "C'mon, the boys are waiting."

Leaving is always the worst part of any kind of opportunity. You leave the campus, the course, the job. You leave everyone you meet, taking only the memories with you because at that point, it's all you have left.

His new dorm was nothing compared to his old one. The space isn’t as big, but they had their own rooms and a shared living and kitchen area. It wasn’t too bad. Jihoon could see himself growing fond of it, eventually.

Most of Jihoon's friends help out in moving in, although Jun and Wonwoo only send their regards, laziness hidden under a text message of apologies. Jihoon didn't mind. It's not as if the ones present were actually doing real work. He glances over to Minghao and Joshua had been standing around the whole time, claiming to be there for emotional support while Mingyu and Seungcheol do all the heavy lifting. Soonyoung and Jihoon supervised.

“This is what you get for boasting about how you’re bulking up,” Minghao sneers, watching Mingyu bring the 3rd box.

"Well, this _would_ be easier with your help." Mingyu says.

"Yeah, it would." Minghao muses as he nods his head, but only does as much as move away to not block Mingyu. Mingyu growls, glaring at the younger and Jihoon wants to laugh at their childishness.

"You and Wonwoo are hopeless," Soonyoung sighs, bringing in Jihoon's final suitcase.

"Well," Minghao hums, tilting his head side to side before shrugging his shoulders.

“I don’t know why I’m in love with you sometimes,” Mingyu huffs under his breath before realizing what he had just blurted out. Eyes widen and breaths are hitched around the room.

“What?” Minghao falters, gaze falling on Mingyu.

Mingyu, still crouched over the box, does the only thing he knows he can do: run. It doesn’t take another second before Minghao follows him, shouting through the hallways for Mingyu to stop running. Everything happens so quickly that Jihoon doesn’t even know what really happened.

“Well, that took about time.” Soonyoung sighs, going back to work.

“Surprised it took them that long,” Seungcheol chuckles.

“Of course it took that long,” Jun says. “Mingyu is scared to admit his feelings and Minghao is oblivious.”

“Sounds familiar,” Seungcheol looks to Jihoon from across the room. Jihoon only retaliates silently, his eyes darted as he glared.

“Who?” Soonyoung perks with a small smile, completely oblivious.

“Not sure,” Seungcheol says, deciding to keep quiet. “But it does sound familiar.”

Eventually, while everyone else unpacks, Minghao and Mingyu settle on their little misunderstanding. Turns out a friendship isn't a lost cause and they both had feelings for each other this whole time, something everyone else in their group had been aware of.

Their talk is brief and they both come back with flushed cheeks and lips aching to smile. Jihoon found himself unreasonable, for having this boiling feeling in his guts. Jihoon hadn't really been this jealous before, but he clearly recognized the emotion fuelling him. When Minghao and Mingyu would constantly steal glances at one another to softly laugh for no reason, Jihoon couldn't help but wish for the same.

His gaze falls to Soonyoung, who's too occupied with the small electric fan in his hand. You’d think for someone who dances all day that sweat and a little exercise would be nothing. He takes in the moment, watching as Soonyoung’s eyes flutter through the wind produced. He feels this heavy press on his chest.

Soonyoung looks back once, catching Jihoon’s eyes. He smiles softly, almost as if he were asking _what’s up?_ Jihoon only shakes his head and goes back to what he was doing in the first place. It’s nothing, he tells Soonyoung. He tells himself.

When Jihoon's new roommate arrives with bags and boxes of his belongings, Mingyu groans a little too loudly, obviously not keen on meeting his replacement in Jihoon's life.

He’s a freshman, and enters with both his parents just as Jihoon did back then. His roommate is startled, for a moment, with the amount of people inside the room. Jihoon isn’t surprised; he would have reacted the same way.

“Hi hyung!” he greets right away, bowing sheepishly. “I’m Lee Seokmin, a freshman majoring in music. Oh, and these are my parents.” Seokmin’s parents greet Jihoon before bringing in the boxes into their shared room.

There's this energy that causes Jihoon to be taken aback. Seokmin exudes a typical freshman, sparks of innocence and tones of joy, which Jihoon isn't used to seeing in others. It's almost a little too patterned to Soonyoung and Jihoon doesn't know where he stands with that.

“Oh, hi.” Jihoon replies, smiling and bowing to Seokmin. “You don’t have to be so formal, it’s okay. I’m Lee Jihoon, transferred from SNU to major in music here. These are my friends, Mingyu, Seungcheol, Minghao, Joshua and Soonyoung. They’re all from SNU.”

“Did you say major in music?” Soonyoung pipes up, a little too excited with what he heard.

"Yes!" Seokmin turns to Soonyoung, the corners of his lips pulled side to side. “I really like singing.”

Mingyu groans again, but even louder as he hides himself behind Minghao. "He's a singer, Hao!" Mingyu bawls out. "Jihoon is gonna love him and he's gonna forget about us!"

"There, there." Minghao lightly comforts the taller boy, patting him on the head as Mingyu starts to sniffle a little bit. "Wait, are you crying?"

"...no."

"Don't mind him," Minghao tells Seokmin, who has an awfully confused look on his face. "He's just sad he's being replaced as a roommate. It's nothing personal."

Soonyoung ends up loving Seokmin, almost a little too much. Of what Jihoon had seen, it seemed as if they had been best friends this whole time rather than Soonyoung and Jihoon. Bad jokes were made and well received by the other, Jihoon on the sidelines shaking his head disapprovingly.

Somehow, Jihoon knows this is going to kick him in the ass somewhere down the line, to have his roommate and best friend be as close as they were. He lets it slide. It's not as if Mingyu and Soonyoung being close ever hurt him.

Much to Mingyu’s relief, Seokmin was far too different for him to be a replacement in Jihoon’s life. Unlike Mingyu, Seokmin wasn’t constantly toppling everything over or purposely provoking Jihoon for fun. Seokmin was, however, taken under Mingyu and Minghao’s wing once they learned they were all the same age.

What Jihoon did appreciate about Seokmin is that he knew his borders. Whenever Jihoon and Soonyoung would be in the dorm, watching anime reruns or playing Jihoon’s PS4, Seokmin backs off without a word. They spend a week together. Soonyoung’s spending his final 7 days in his father’s house and he couldn’t blame him for wanting to do that, but that only meant how their time was running out.

So he dedicates a good amount of time for Soonyoung. It’s not like he’s never done that before anyway. It does explain, though, why the only other person that Jihoon knows on campus aside from Seokmin is Joshua Hong, a connection made only through Seungcheol. But he doesn’t mind; he’s got a whole four years to get to know people and only now before his best friend is out of reach.

“I’ll miss you, Soon.” Jihoon confesses, even if Soonyoung probably already knows that. They’re in Jihoon’s room, looking at the glow-in-the-dark stars that they placed during move in day.

Soonyoung is leaving tomorrow for Gyeonggi-do, to spend a day with his sister and father. He almost didn’t, but Jihoon wouldn’t let that happen as much as he wanted to. He knew that even if his relationship with his father weren’t the best, it was still worth to say goodbye.

“I’ll miss you, too, Ji.” Soonyoung says, his head rested on Jihoon’s arm. He extends his arms to the ceiling, to the stars, almost as if looking for constellations that don’t exist. “I _really_ will.”

“Two years will be quick, right?” Jihoon asks, too hopeful of Soonyoung’s reply, wishful of good news.

“Yeah,” Soonyoung lets out softly. Jihoon knows he’s holding back. He knows Soonyoung far too well to know that as much as Soonyoung wants to stay, he also wants to chase his dream, even if it will take longer than a year. Jihoon can never stop him.

“You’re like my home, you know.” Jihoon has his heart on his sleeve now. “You know how some people say they’ve found their humans; their person. I think you’re my person. It’s okay if you don’t see me the same way. I’ll always be here for you no matter what, Soonyoung.”

“Jihoon,” Soonyoung mumbles, turning his head to face Jihoon as Jihoon follows in suit.

Jihoon’s breath hitched, voice unstable. “I don’t want to lose you, Soonyoung.”

Soonyoung, in contrast to Jihoon, is steady. He breathes slowly and looks as if he knows exactly what to say. As if he always had. “You’ll always have me. You have to remember that, okay? You’re my home, too.”

Goodbyes aren’t easy.

Jihoon has learnt that the hard way, and he was living it. Perhaps it was a little naive to think that he’d have Soonyoung by his side his whole life. Neither of them dreamt a world outside of Korea and neither of them would have ever expected for this to happen.

With one hand on the luggage and another wrapped tightly around the strap of his backpack, Soonyoung wavers in his spot. It’s one of the few times Jihoon sees Soonyoung like this: speechless, nervous and uncertain. The first was back in high school, when Jihoon had initiated a conversation with Soonyoung after weeks of forced small talk. Jihoon has the image of Soonyoung’s faltering smile clearer than the sky, the way it looked as if Soonyoung had this chance or else he’d fuck up.

Jihoon sees the same smile right in front of him. Now or nothing.

It’s a little different this time around. Not many words make it out as the first time, at least none other than “I’ll really miss you”. It’s evident in the way Soonyoung stammers that he has more to say. But he never does.

Jihoon lifts his hand between them, opening his palm to reveal a small keychain.

“What’s this?” Soonyoung asks, fingers glazing over the keychain. Three small stars are coated in silver and gold. Jihoon found it in an antique shop on the way home one time and just knew it had to go to Soonyoung.

“Prince Hoshi’s new good luck charm.”

Soonyoung lets go of his things before he pulls Jihoon in for a tight hug. They both hold on, a little too tight, a little too long. Jihoon doesn’t ever want to let go. He wants this, just this and nothing else.

"I love it." Soonyoung whispers softly enough for no one else to hear. No one except Jihoon. "I love _you_."

Jihoon feels his heart stop.

"I love you, too."

**AROUND A YEAR LATER**

Somewhere down the line, Jihoon does get used to the emptiness that welcomes him at night — knows he has to. Change was never something he dealt too well with, probably stemming from events in his childhood. Leaving everything he had ever known in Busan in hopes for a better life in a different city wasn’t easy for Jihoon to grasp, especially as a child. It’s no surprise that Jihoon never associated growth with change, finding instead, retrogression.

If anything, he never anticipated the change that happened to him. When Soonyoung left, it was as if he had brought a part of Jihoon with him. His walls rose high to guard him as others only peered at a distance.

Stubbornness and a wide smile walks in the form of Lee Seokmin, the only person in Jihoon’s new circle of friends that manages to knock his walls defenseless. Despite how much he’d deny it, Jihoon is grateful to have Seokmin as a roommate. Jihoon isn’t really much of a social person, never really was. All his past connections were made when he was young and it was easy, but now it seems so complex that Jihoon barely takes any initiative to form new bonds. The fact that Seokmin considered something worth his time in Jihoon was enough to take in.

Popularity is pretty big in Pledis, only because word gets around like wildfire. It's barely any rumors. Rather, it's murmurs and predictions of each department's it-person. With Seokmin's audition spreading around campus, it was only expected that he'd catch everyone's attention. His personality fits well with being known, allowing him to make bonds with everyone he encounters. He's humble, to say the least, never boasting about how impressive his vocal range is and the power that he carries with each breath.

“Hyung,” Seokmin calls out, as he paces around the dorm. With a bag on one hand, he uses his free one to gather his clutter around the dorm. Jihoon definitely misses Mingyu’s tidiness. “I’m going out with Jeonghan hyung for dinner. Do you wanna come? You don’t have to, but Jeonghan hyung said he misses you. We might also go out for drinks with Seungkwan, Joshua and Vernon. Jeonghan hyung said he wants to see you get wasted again.”

Jihoon appreciates Seokmin and his goodwill, even if he does ramble a lot. Over the course of years they’ve spent together thus far (almost closing in their second year in Pledis), Seokmin always makes sure his Jihoon hyung is involved in anything and everything it does. It ranges from getting snacks at the convenient store, which Jihoon always turns down, saying that he’s far too lazy to go downstairs, but still asks for a Cola, to dinner and drinks.

“Jeonghan hyung has to stop getting me drunk,” Jihoon chuckles from his spot. He’s seated on the couch, _Guardians of the Galaxy_ playing on their TV. “He knows my immensely low tolerance to alcohol.”

“It’s Jeonghan hyung,” Seokmin stops in his tracks, a smile plastered on his face. “He’s always looking for trouble.”

Most of his friends have already come from Seokmin’s circle, except for Vernon, who he met in one music history class and actually ended up dating Seungkwan. They sufficed to Jihoon’s liking. He liked intimacy and the small group of friends he had was definitely enough.

“And he has to stop.”

“Agreed,” Seokmin nods in affirmation, his lips thinned out. Seokmin pauses. “Wait, so is that a yes?”

Jihoon pouts his lips forward, weighing out the pros and cons of going out. It _was_ a Friday night and he hasn’t really been out in a while, but he also _hasn’t_ watched _Guardians of the Galaxy_ in a while. Perhaps it was obvious how reluctant he was to go, because Seokmin ends up mentioning how he can watch _Guardians_ any time.

“I have to video call Soonyoung tonight, though.” Jihoon says, remembering his best friend miles away from him.

“Right, your boyfriend.”

“Shut up, he’s _not_ my boyfriend.” Jihoon scoffs, eyebrows curled into a glare.

“You can follow after your call,” Seokmin offers, shrugging his shoulders and ignoring the way Jihoon is close to jumping him. “I’ll text you the address. Besides, it’s time you get fresh air! I’ll see you later, hyung, okay?”

He leaves before Jihoon can get another word out.

“Hey, Ji.” Soonyoung greets, a pixelated video of him and his messy dorm in Japan pop up on Jihoon’s laptop screen. “I wish you knew Japanese so you could help me with my language assignment. It’s a fucking pain in the ass.”

“Hey,” Jihoon greets, waving to the webcam. “You’ve been there for more than a year. Don’t tell me you still suck.”

“Well, looks like I’ve got some bad news for you, my friend.”

“Don’t they have those tutorials for kids your age who are just learning to speak the language to help you out?” Jihoon jokes, voice growing a little louder.

Soonyoung scoffs, rolling his eyes. “Ha ha, you’re really funny sometimes, Ji.”

“I try.”

“Are you sure you aren’t living with Wonwoo?” Soonyoung brings his face closer to the screen squinting. “His humor has definitely rubbed off of you.”

Jihoon crosses his arms over his chest. “I’m kind of offended, but no. I’m still definitely rooming with the kid.”

“Speaking of, where is Seokmin?” Soonyoung asks, looking into the screen as he scans for the background of Jihoon’s video.

“He went out with the others.” Jihoon explains.

“Why didn’t you join them?” Soonyoung says.

“Uh…” Jihoon turns into a frozen frame, but Soonyoung was smart enough (thankfully) to know that this was not bad Wi-Fi. It was a bad lie.

“Jihoon!”

“What?”

“I don’t want you to be missing out because we’re here chatting!” Soonyoung exclaims. “We can always call another day, I’ve told you this.”

“I know, I know.” Jihoon says, nodding his head. “Don’t worry I might follow in a while.”

“Damn right you will.”

“Your anger has gotten a little bit intense over the year, hasn’t it?” Jihoon observes, changing topic.

“...Maybe.”

It’s unbelievable how Jihoon has already made it through more than a year without Soonyoung by his side, and only seeing him through a laptop screen. Completely unbelievable.

They spend another couple minutes arguing, pestering each other of bad habits they've formed. For a moment it feels like Soonyoung is right beside him, nitpicking at different parts of how Jihoon has changed. It doesn't feel like there's a screen dividing them from one another. Almost as if he can touch Soonyoung.

Jihoon arrives a little late to the small party. His friends are already two drinks in and Seokmin starts to flush red. He can already tell how much he's going to regret even showing up, but Soonyoung was a pain in the ass even miles away. In fact, he nagged more than ever now and it baffled Jihoon.

"Didn't think you'd show up," Jeonghan admits, sliding over a shot glass of a very colorful and seemingly innocent drink. When they go out drinking, Jeonghan always makes sure to be in charge of the pitchers and bottles. He hands out shots and drinks so covertly that no one ever notices how fast the alcohol is hitting them. Jihoon makes a mental note to move over to Seokmin's side later.

Jihoon downs the concoction and just knows it’s way too sweet for it to be an alcoholic drink.

"How's Soonyoung hyung?" Seungkwan pipes up from the other side. He's resting his head on Vernon, who seems to not be bothered.

"He's okay." Jihoon replies, words dragged out and cautious, as he looks over to Seokmin.

"Oh yeah," Seokmin grins sheepishly. "I told them."

"Must be hard being far from your boyfriend," Jeonghan sighs, grabbing the glass to refill it with the same disgustingly sweet mixture.

“Yoon Jeonghan, please stop handing me drinks.” Jihoon says, pushing back the shot glass with a forced smile. “Besides, how many times do I have to say, he’s not my boyfriend. Probably never will.”

“You’re kind of harsh with the never, hyung.” Vernon winces, shaking his head.

“You have to admit,” Joshua speaks up. “You two act as if you’re boyfriends who are stuck in LDR.”

“We are _best friends_ who are stuck in LDR.”

“Jihoonie,” Jihoon winces at the nickname Jeonghan decides to use. “Best friends don’t argue about not being able to video call.”

“It was one time.”

“Yeah,” Jeonghan mocks. “And you reacted when I called you Jihoonie because only Soonyoung calls you that. You also argue like a couple. Best friends don’t argue like couples. Look at me and Seokmin, we don’t argue if we don’t get to spend time with each other and I’ve known him as long as you’ve known Soonyoung. Jihoon, we all know there’s something.”

“What is this, attack-Jihoon-night?”

“They do make a point, hyung.” Vernon says softly, careful not to offend Jihoon.

“And I don’t need to hear it now.”

It’s evident in Jihoon’s tone that everyone understood that they were trespassing on an issue Jihoon wasn’t in the mood to talk about. Not now, not ever. They don’t bring it up later that night, but somehow it’s crawling in the back of his mind and won’t leave.

Change is easy when you forget that it even happened. When you get used to the new things and now it’s different parts of the past. But sometimes Jihoon remembers how tangible the situation is.

When Seokmin pops up in the corner of his webcam, reminding him how Soonyoung is in another country. When Mingyu keeps sending pictures of food he cooked. When Seungcheol asks Jihoon to check on Joshua for him, following up with a _how are you, btw?_ text. When Wonwoo has to call to ask for help on an assignment because Jihoon isn’t living in the dorm down the hall anymore.

All these moments, he remembers how different everything is now.

When it’s between him and Soonyoung, it’s like nothing is new. They still follow the rhythm that they’ve developed through the years. They’re exactly where they’ve been wanting to be, steady and a little stagnant, just a few steps behind where Jihoon hopes for them to be. Something about it makes him feel fearful. Loss comes with change, whether it’s for the better of the worse. Sometimes it’s all a little too inevitable. Connections will be cut, time will be scarce and patience will wear out.

And sometimes he fears most for Soonyoung, who is all the way in a different country chasing his dreams. He fears that once he comes back, nothing will be the same anymore. Change is too big, _too much_. He liked stability. He liked when everything stayed put. When everything wasn’t so uncertain.

“I think you’re stuck in a position you should have been more aware of long ago,” Mingyu advises, slamming his shot glass on the wooden table.

“Okay, seriously, alcohol wasn’t necessary I just literally had some.” Jihoon says, pulling the bottle of Soju away from Mingyu’s hand.

“Of course it’s necessary,” Seungcheol counters, as he grabs the bottle. “We barely see you now and suddenly you’re finally willing to open up your feelings after a year of not living with us. It’s 1 AM, Jihoon, alcohol is _definitely_ necessary.”

Jihoon huffs in his seat, finally agreeing to downing alcohol even if it means red flushed cheeks and slurs. At least he knew he was going to be taken care of, unlike Jeonghan who’d only take videos as blackmail. They were in Seungcheol and Mingyu’s dorm. He went over after the frustrating realizations Jeonghan brought upon him.

“So tell us our dear Jihoonie hyung,” Mingyu announces, an arm raised high before landing on Jihoon. “Have you only been realizing this now?”

“No, of course not, I’m not dumb and oblivious.” Jihoon deadpans, pushing Mingyu away from him. He regretted sitting next to Mingyu on the bench (still regrets even getting the bench).

“Are you calling Soonyoung hyung dumb and oblivious?” Mingyu asks, sounding too offended for someone who wasn’t him. Jihoon laughs.

“Soonyoung is definitely aware of this situation.” Seungcheol scoffs, downing another shot.

Jihoon cocks his head towards Seungcheol. “Did he tell you something?”

“No,” Seungcheol smiles empathetically. “But I’m pretty sure he’s not dumb and oblivious.”

“Jihoonie hyung, you know how Minghao and I have been together for a year now?” Mingyu asks, waiting for Jihoon to nod his head to show he’s listening.

“You date someone for a year and suddenly you’re a relationship expert?” Jihoon winces, efforts to show disgust.

“I’m just saying,” Mingyu says, rolling his eyes. “We’ve both known there was something. We just didn’t deny or accept anything. If it weren’t for my inability to shut up, I don’t know where we would have gone.”

“Mingyu’s got a point.”

They go back and forth until Jihoon feels the heat rise up to his cheeks, head feeling a little dizzy. He doesn’t understand why Seungcheol even insisted on alcohol in the first place. His thoughts were already fuzzy enough to begin with when he was sober. His best friends weren’t exactly doing too well, either, both tipsy despite their high alcohol tolerance.

Jihoon felt like he was floating. _Wait_ — that was it. That’s what Jihoon was feeling. Like he was looking down on himself, caught up in a tangle of emotions. But it wasn’t as if he were floating on clouds, like the type of feeling you’d hope when you were a kid. It was the kind where he felt like he was on the top of the skyscraper, about to dive into the unknown.

“I think I’m falling.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> hello !! this wasn't supposed to be a 3-part thing but here we are. i hope u like it so far! <3


	3. you make me fall in love

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> hi ! if you're an old reader pls reread sjdhshdsj i added some parts bc it seemed necessary esp in the first chapter hehe

**PART 3**

**IT WILL COME.**

The brightness after the heavy rain. All in good time, whether it’s unannounced, by your doorsteps, or moments delayed after much anticipation. It will come, because everything arrives when it must, like the first early sunrise after the winter solstice.

As seasons change, so do people. Everyday, we are living a different version of ourselves and each day that presents itself is an opportunity to find the light in darkness. To find a way to heal.

But it’s much harder than anyone can just put into words.

No one prepares you for the hit because no one can. No one knows the pain it inflicts or the impact it leaves. Everyone either lives warily or continues on with their life, complacent with the way things are. And you would think anyone who’s ever lived long enough to have a midlife crisis would be able to impart wisdom with everything they’ve experienced. They don’t.

So Soonyoung is left to his own devices, caught in a limbo — a cycle of coping and falling apart. Again and again, around and around he goes until everything stops. His limbs go weak and he’s weighed down with a void in his chest.

Here he is in the in-between. This moment in his life is simply a time for him to grow into who he should be, even if he hasn’t a slightest idea of reasons why. This is the flow of life, the way we’ll truly live, the way it has to go.

But you really do begin to understand how bad the fall is once it hits.

  
  


And it hits the living shit out of Soonyoung, rendering him lifeless. So much so that he’s left senseless on his bed for what seems like forever. It’s Chan who tells him it's only been a little over a day.

For reasons beyond him, this hit him without any warning. There weren't many words that Soonyoung could use to describe every weighing emotion, and it didn’t help that he wasn’t so well-versed in poetry.

 _“You really do have talent, Soonyoung.”_ the department director told him, hours after he had found out he was rejected from the program. _“The competition is brutal for the scholarship. Right now, there are just specific traits that the academy is looking for. It’s not that you aren’t good enough. Perhaps it’s just not the right time for you, or perhaps you’re better suited elsewhere. Don’t get me wrong, though. You certainly have the form and skill. This shouldn’t be the end of your journey.”_

Bullshit. Everything the director told him was just another means to cheer Soonyoung up, an attempt to make sure he wasn’t too hurt from rejection. Except that was too late.

People always say that the hard truth is just what you need to get you far in life. And through Soonyoung has always taken constructive criticism for his own growth, truth was now what he needed. Truth hurts and whether or not this was going to mold him into the next best version of himself, it was only inhibiting his ability to move forward.

Soonyoung lies flat on his back, staring straight into the empty ceiling as he tries to pinpoint all the instances that brought him to where he was. Tears continue to stain his cheeks and nothing seems to help. Two years in a foreign country, persevering through homesickness, sweat and pain, and it all boiled down to a single result. Make it or break it, because what were the odds, right?

“High. So fucking incredibly _high_.”

“The odds were not that high, hyung.” Chan says, lying on his own bed across the room, phone held above his face.

Soonyoung wants to let out some kind of self-deprecating joke. Except, for a moment he considers that maybe, just maybe, Chan is right. So he decides against filling the noise with humor that was never called for.

"I know it sucks, hyung." Chan sighs, rolling over to face Soonyoung. "I, out of all people, should know — " 

Soonyoung looks over to see Chan smiling sadly. His junior hadn't exactly been too lucky as well, his application for the scholarship having been rejected. With the scholarships they would have been set in their career. No longer would Soonyoung have to attempt and prove himself to his own mother. 

" — Rejections always suck, like really fucking bad. And it's okay to feel what we feel because we’re only human. We'll heal from this. I know it's a hard thing, but we just have to go through with it, you know? Otherwise we're stagnant and caught somewhere we wouldn't want to be."

And there it was: the truth Soonyoung didn’t need to hear. Rather, the truth he didn’t want to hear. Everything makes sense logically. Facts are facts. But even if it had already been laid down for Soonyoung, it was something he still had to come to terms with and there hasn’t been much progress in that. For the time being, as much as he appreciated the slap in the face in the form of Chan’s words, it really wasn’t what he needed.

"Everything was subjective, anyway." Chan shifts the mood. Two years living with Soonyoung was probably enough for Chan to gather context clues. 

"Even if we did get really talented and amazing instructors. What they have to say doesn't always have to mean something, because you definitely have talent no matter what they say. Besides, if it's any consolation, someone told me that most of the exchange students didn’t make the cutoff because the head admission — the snobby one who got mad at us for eating inside the studio — is racist or something. Hates Koreans, they say.”

And suddenly, Soonyoung finds himself on the edge of his bed, inches from falling, his laughter echoing through the room for the first time that day. Spirits are high and there’s an ache in his guts — the good kind. It feels real, makes him feel alive.

“You didn’t have to share gossip about how our director is a racist asshole to make me feel better.” Soonyoung shakes his head, after settling down. The smile on his face doesn't fade, and Chan admits it's a nice sight to see. 

“Yes I did,” Chan shakes his head. “Otherwise you would've still had the same glum expression on your face. I got you to laugh, so it definitely worked whether or not what I said was true. That should account for something.”

“It does.”

  
  


When Soonyoung thinks the tears will finally stop falling, they don’t. Soonyoung is convinced that they’ll never stop. Sometimes, he feels a hitch in his breath, and when he breathes in, everything seems to fall apart again.

It is, however, disorienting. Enough to make him almost actually believe that death is near. When his heart is being pulled apart again and again, the pain stays, never fleeting. And at that moment, Soonyoung truly does believe that he is caught in an endless loop.

"This feels like a motherfucking heartbreak," Soonyoung groans through his hoarse voice.

He can almost hear Chan holding in his laughter from the other side of the room. It causes the younger to snort at Soonyoung's remark. 

"It probably is, hyung." Chan shrugs. When Soonyoung doesn't return a snarky reply, he turns when he realizes that Soonyoung was actually being serious. "Though, I can barely tell. I haven't been through a heartbreak. Unless you have."

Soonyoung curses under his breath. A tidal wave of memories of his drunk little fiasco in Jihoon’s dorm flush back into his consciousness. Despite the missing puzzle pieces in what he had said that night, he knew that he had probably said too much.

“I guess you can say that,” Soonyoung sighs, bringing an arm over his eyes.

“Really?” Chan gasps, a little shocked.

“Yes, why do you sound surprised?”

“You never pegged me as the type of guy to fall in love.” Chan hums.

Soonyoung laughs it off, unsure of what to say because he’s never quite admitted his feelings even to himself. Love was a big word, and Chan going around saying it like it was nothing didn’t settle with him well.

“It’s Jihoon hyung, isn’t it?”

Soonyoung looks over to Chan, a little stunned that he knew that much. “What?”

“Who else would it be? You talk to him all the time, tell him everything. Plus, I hear Seokmin hyung teasing you sometimes. It’s kind of obvious.” Chan says. He pauses on his way out to get in another word. “He’ll probably want to know how you’re doing by now.”

God, Jihoon. Soonyoung had barely taken Jihoon into the equation.

Okay, no, scratch that. Soonyoung _had_ taken Jihoon into the equation, except now the equation is completely complex that even a fucking mathematician wouldn't be able to understand. Figuring out what solution would fit in telling Jihoon about the mess he was caught in wasn't exactly as easy as addition. 

"We aren't exactly on talking matters right now." Soonyoung says softly, head low.

"What do you mean you're not on talking matters?” Chan retracts his movements and walks back to Soonyoung’s bed, intrigued. “Is that why you haven’t been video chatting lately?"

"Well, we got into a fight about how busy we both were and I was just really stressed at the time and I guess so was he. I don't know." Soonyoung rambles on and on. Chan, on the other hand, listens intently. "It's a little blurry now because I just remember being pissed off at everything. But then we just kind of stopped video calling. We just kinda chat every now and then and I just haven't had the time to say sorry and now I can barely tell him anything."

"Jesus," Chan hisses.

"What?"

"He's prideful."

Soonyoung lightens up. He'd never really been able to rant about this and now finally, someone understood him. "Right! He really — "

"So are you." Chan interrupts..

Soonyoung frowns. He hates it when Chan is right because Chan goes into this whole 'I told you so' attitude. The worst part is, he was completely right. God knows why Soonyoung wouldn't own it up to Jihoon, and why he barely had the guts to tell Jihoon about the lowest and currently most crucial part of his life. All of that was beyond him.

"What did either of you even say that caused you to stop talking for months?" Chan asks.

"I asked why he cared so much." Soonyoung mumbles.

"That's all?" the younger raises a brow.

Soonyoung lets out a breath, "I asked why he cared so much when it's not like he's my boyfriend."

"Hyung, oh my god!" Chan exclaims, grabbing a pillow to throw at Soonyoung, which lands directly on his face.

He winces, pushing the pillow out of his face. "I know. It's bad. I know."

"That fucking hurts." Chan looks at his roommate in disgust. "The fuck did he say back?"

"You are swearing a lot today." Soonyoung sits up, pointing his hand at Chan before he gets back to his story. "I told him I'm sorry and then he said I made a perfectly valid point and dropped the call because he had to go. We only chat because he always tells me he's too busy for calls. Basically he hasn't truly accepted my apologies, all of them."

"That's rough." Chan says. "This happened the other week?"

"Yeah.”

Soonyoung sinks into his spot as he recalls one of the other worst days of his life. He didn't know what was going through his mind. Something Soonyoung never expected was to fuck his own chances with the one person he's been pining over like this.

It felt like Jihoon was slipping out of Soonyoung's hands, slowly but surely. Soonyoung was reaching out, grasping onto the only person he never wanted to leave his life.

  
  


Sooyeon, Soonyoung's sister, ends up being the first he confides in. Even if she had always been beyond supportive, Soonyoung never doubted that, getting the words out was harder than he had anticipated. Saying it aloud meant facing the facts; acknowledging the truth.

The call lasts an hour, and ends with Soonyoung crying over the line. The tears that never seemed to stop were back again. 

At one point Sooyeon asks, "Have you told our parents?"

“I don’t think I can,” Soonyoung mumbles, soft enough for his sister to hear.

“Okay,” she hums. “Do you want me to do it?”

“Please?”

“Okay,” she says. “What about Jihoon?”

Soonyoung groans. "We're getting there."

There's hints of regret in being so transparent with his sister. Keeping each other's secrets had always been their thing, and Soonyoung was fortunate enough to be as close to his sibling as he was. When they were separated in Soonyoung's second year of high school, he couldn't help but update Sooyeon about every detail of his newfound lifestyle, even his little crush on Jihoon.

"I'm always here for you, 'Nyong. If you need me to fly over I'll be there tomorrow."

"There's no need to waste money, noona. I'll be flying back in two weeks. I already booked the flight with Chan."

"Two weeks is a long time," Sooyeon says, a little weary. "Are you sure you can manage?"

"Yeah," Soonyoung assures her, making sure his tone is enough for her to settle. "I also wanna say goodbye to Japan properly before I leave."

"Alright," Sooyeon sighs. "Well, I love you and I'm always here!"

"I love you too, noona."

They end the call shortly after that. Soonyoung feels his shoulders loosen up, doesn't feel as weighed down as he was. It doesn't truly heal him. Remnants of heartache still settle, something that won't seem to fade anytime soon. But for now it’s bearable. Now it leaves Soonyoung with hope that maybe he will be okay.

It’s his parents that approach him in a different manner. When Sooyeon breaks the news to the both of them, they begin to walk on eggshells.

His mother gets it over with, from what Soonyoung can tell. Tes her he loves her and she'll support him further, but Soonyoung knows it's only out of pity for her own son. She had always been lacking support in Soonyoung's passion for dance, and his new form of disappointment only proved her right.

Soonyoung's father, on the other hand, brings warmth. It's warmth he never experienced as a child. It's comfort that he had been longing for so long; approval in his life choices. 

Somewhere along their call, he takes control over the conversation as Soonyoung intently listens to his experiences back in college. He wonders if this is how it would have been back then, had his father been more present in his life.

"I've never had it right, Soonyoung." his father says. "You know I've been through enough jobs, and even before you were born, I was shifting through majors, trying to find the right fit. And even when I did end up with a good career, I ended up being distant from you and your sister."

There are some things you learn late in life. This was one of them. Soonyoung never realized the reasons he had been resenting his dad were also regrets his dad had in his life. 

"You have to find the right balance in things," he continues. "You get caught up in work and suddenly everyone is slipping out of your hands. You get caught up in life and you're nowhere near your goals. It doesn't always end up the way we hope, but I ended up alright."

"I love you, Dad." Soonyoung mumbes.

"I love you, too." his dad chuckles over the line. "You'll be okay, alright?"

Being alright was a vague thing. Soonyoung likes to believe that he will be okay, and not just because everyone around him wants to be. He likes to believe that whatever it is that this will all pass. He will turn out alright.

Perhaps it was a difficult thing. No one really knew how to comfort him and Soonyoung couldn’t blame them. It was probably because it was rarely necessary. No one could find the right words to lift the weight off of his shoulders. Not his parents, his sister, his friends. Not even himself. After breaking the news to his parents he had held the same standards for every coming encounter.

But with Jihoon it was different.

“Soonyoung, are you okay?”

Jihoon knows Soonyoung like the back of his palm. 

Soonyoung should have known that he would be caught within the first few minutes into their call. His cracking voice was already a dead giveaway and despite his laptop's low quality video camera, Soonyoung's eyes were the puffiest they had been that day.

Yet somehow, Jihoon knows even beyond looks. That’s how it’s always been. Soonyoung wishes it were the other way around because that way, he wouldn’t be the one constantly second guessing Jihoon. That way he wouldn't have to search again and again, looking at Jihoon as if he were the world’s biggest mystery, completely unsolved.

Soonyoung stares at his own reflection portrayed in his computer. Even his pixelated self looked like he needed some work. Who was he fooling, anyway? It’s not like the one person who knows him best wasn’t going to find out one way or another.

“Soonyoung?”

He had been sitting there for so long, he hadn’t realized that he looked like a frozen image. He breaks, head falling forward. Soonyoung rests his forehead on his palms as the tears he had been holding refused to stay.

“Soonyoung…” Jihoon says one last time. His tone carries the comfort he had been longing for in so long.

Everything after that blurred in the same way his vision did.

He doesn’t exactly remember what Jihoon said that night, if he said anything at all. He does remember feeling like someone had finally understood him. He remembers the way he found solace from someone who was miles away. He remembers the way Jihoon stayed throughout the goddamn call before Soonyoung pressed end after telling him he’ll call him later.

Soonyoung never calls back later that day. Or the next day for that matter. Jihoon doesn’t either. Somewhere along the radio silence seems to be a mutual understanding between the two. Soonyoung had to go through this on his own. This was a moment in his life that he had to endure to shape him into who he had to be.

 _Cliche_ , Soonyoung scoffs. But this was the way things had to go.

Isolation wasn’t exactly his gameplan. It just happened. Soonyoung already spent a good 3 days locked up in his room. He figured a couple more wouldn’t hurt. Chan, however, thinks otherwise.

“Hyung!” Chan exclaims, fiercely opening all the curtains in their room. Sunlight glares right into Soonyoung’s eyes. “You’re wasting our last days in Japan! What happened to saying goodbye properly! We need to get something done. You need to drink some water, eat some food, and visit the countryside. Let’s do something! Anything!”

Anything turns out to be breakfast at 2PM and ice cream late at night, watching reruns of old dramas. Chan ends up cooking, reassuring Soonyoung he wouldn’t burn the kitchen down. After their first year experience, he wanted to be sure.

"Wish you started cooking early on," Soonyoung says with food in his mouth. Much to their surprise, Chan can cook up a good meal of spam fried rice. When Soonyoung gave Chan a nod of approval, the junior immediately beamed and punched his arms into the air.

"My hidden talents mostly come out during an emergency."

"Wish this emergency happened early on then."

"No, you don't, hyung."

Chan ends up being there for Soonyoung in ways he didn’t expect him to. The younger spend an unreasonable amount of time with someone sulking in his bed rather than normal exchange students drinking downtown before they head back home. Soonyoung feels a little bad being the reason Chan isn’t enjoying his time.

“I’ll be alright, hyung.” Chan tells him each time, with a reassuring smile.

Anything ends up being more than staying in. Anything ends up going downstairs to buy onigiri and strawberry milk from the convenience store down the street. Anything ends up being a walk around the city to get some fresh air and ‘enjoyable’ food. Anything ends up being an adventure, en route to the other side of the country.

“Get up, hyung, we’re going on a road trip!” Chan exclaims, pulling Soonyoung’s blanket off of him. 

The cool breeze hits in. Soonyoung flinches from both the noise and the cold, hands searching for a pillow to cover himself again. He lets out a groan, rolling over to his side.

“Hyung!” 

"Do you even know how to drive?" Soonyoung's voice is muffled through the sheets, but his message gets across.

“Who said anything about a car?”

Apparently, there were more than a few ways to travel to Hokkaido. One was approximately a 17 hour car ride, that was practically impossible considering neither of them knew how to drive nor did they want to. The second was a reasonably priced flight, but considering all issues in climate change, Chan decided against it. Lastly, was the bullet train that they sat in. Four hours of nothing but a view and Chan by Soonyoung’s side. Big fun.

Complaints are made only during the first hour of their trip. Soonyoung likes to complain a lot, given he’s dragged out of his bed to travel 1.7 kilometers. It's the constant reminder of Chan going out of his way to help him out that shuts his mouth up.

  
  


Somewhere along the ride, Chan realizes he forgot to buy some popular Japanese snack from the trolley. Soonyoung wasn’t really sure what it was, but Chan wouldn’t shut up about it and had to walk to the back because the trolley had already made its way to the last row.

Almost as if on queue, distracting Soonyong from everything happening, Chan’s phone rings. His phone is lying flat on the table and vibrates a couple of times. It’s on the last notification that Soonyoung can’t help but snoop.

 **Jihoon** **  
****10:08 AM** **  
**Is he doing okay?

**10:09 AM**

are you on the train already?

 **10:10 AM** **  
**Safe travels

 **10:11 A,M**  
Please take care of him

“Fuck,” Soonyoung breathes out, eyes glued to the screen.

It takes Soonyoung a while to realize that Chan had already come back. He stood by the aisle, face evident of guilt as he realized what had happened.

“He was behind all of this?” Soonyoung exclaims before being hushed by Chan, who looked around to make sure he wasn’t disturbing anyone.

“Calm down, hyung.” Chan tells him. “He asked me to, but I also think it’s good for the both of us.”

Soonyoung lets out a deep sigh, slumping down in his seat. "Fucking Lee Jihoon."

"You okay?"

"He always does this," Soonyoung explains. "He always finds ways to make me feel better. He finds ways to support me in dance, or anything really. Jihoon always finds ways to be there for me, even if he's not really here and I can't help but feel that he's more than enough when I'm not."

"Hyung, it's not a competition, you know?" Chan says. "I may have only met Jihoon hyung once, but I'm sure for him, having you is enough."

Soonyoung doesn't say anything to that. He crosses his arms over his chest and decides to soak up the most of his window seat view. 

City skylines slowly fade into suburban neighborhoods into mountain ranges. As the train moves from skyscrapers to fields of green, so does Soonyoung's thoughts. Observing the sights he never thought he would be seeing any time soon brought peace to his mind. For the past few days, this has been the most at ease he has been.

Patches of snow emerge, glazing over high mountains, all white and pure. Soonyoung's mind wanders. He remembers the first snow day he had with Jihoon.

They walked home that day, much like any other day. When Soonyoung reaches his hand out, the first fall of snow that season meets the tip of his fingertips. Jihoon suggests for them to wait until midnight, go out to a park and watch as it becomes a winter wonderland. They spend the rest of the day on swings, sipping on hot choco they bought from a store nearby. Later that night, they get into a snow fight. It was nothing big, nothing small. But now that Soonyoung looks back, it was bigger than it was. He feels warmth in the memories that swarm him.

"Jihoon always talked about going to Hokkaido," Soonyoung tells Chan, who had to take out his earbud and lean in for Soonyoung to only repeat his words. "He always talked about the valley, the hiking, the flowers. I feel a little bad I'm here without him."

"You can always go back," Chan suggests. "Experiences vary with circumstances. I know I'm a rough substitute for Jihoon hyung, but it will be different next time around."

Soonyoung looks over to Chan. The boy has a toothy smile and eyebrows raised curiously. Chan and Soonyoung were both on the same boat. 

Leaving Korea and a practical course to pursue dance for two years in a foreign country. They were two of the same, yet, Soonyoung can't help but feel that the boy sitting beside him was better in all aspects. It was endlessly frustrating, making him feel as if he were doing something wrong. Here he was, seconds to drowning in the ocean while Chan was already a few strokes away from shore.

"When you said this will be good for the both of us, what did you mean?" Soonyoung asks.

"Healing," Chan shrugs his shoulders. "We both need healing."

"I always thought you were pulling yourself together better than me."

"It's hard for both of us," Chan smiles sadly. "Even if I don't show it, it's hard for both of us. We’ll get through this together.”

Maybe it was Chan’s youthful spirit that allowed him to get out of the pit Soonyoung couldn’t, a spirit that Soonyoung had lost a few years back. Maybe it was the fact that Chan already expected to stay a maximum of two years. Or maybe Chan didn't even care at all. Soonyoung tries to find excuses to fill the holes in his heart, but nothing seems to work. 

Nothing seems to answer as to why he wasn’t okay.

Soonyoung's arms falls to his side, staring aimlessly at the view. When he stares long enough it gets a little blurry until he doesn't even know what he's looking at. He does that for a long time, hoping he gets lost in the void of his own thoughts.

  
  
  


When they arrive in their Airbnb, a small studio apartment with minimalist furnishing, Soonyoung heads straight for the mattress. Chan heads downstairs, looking at what the town has to offer. Soonyoung doesn't know if Chan purposely left him, but he takes the opportunity to call Jihoon. Impulsive, but overdue.

"Hello?" Jihoon's voice is husky, it sounds like he had just woken up.

Soonyoung takes a look at his phone, making sure it was definitely the middle of the day in Seoul before he calls out Jihoon's name. He's sprung out on his side of the bed as they talk.

"Soonyoung," Jihoon speaks louder, suddenly sounding very awake. "Why'd you call?"

"Thank you."

"What?" 

"I know, Jihoon."

"Oh."

"And I wish I didn't because Hokkaido is for you, not me. I've only been here for an hour and all I can think about is how much you would like it here."

"Hokkaido is for both of us," Jihoon counters.

"Then maybe next time we should go here together," Soonyoung suggests, gazing out of their small apartment, a view of a small city.

"I'd like that," Jihoon chuckles, his laugh causing Soonyoung's heart to sink.

"I'd like that too."

"I miss you."

"I miss you too." Soonyoung grasps onto his phone tightly as he shut his eyes tightly. 

"You better get going," Jihoon says. "Wouldn't want you to trade touring around Hokkaido for a call with me."

"Right," Soonyoung purses his lips. Although, he’d very much trade Hokkaido for a call with Jihoon. "I'll see you soon."

"Soonyoung," Jihoon calls before he ends the call. "You good?"

"Yeah," Soonyoung breathes out shakily. "Why wouldn't I be?"

"I'm always here for you, okay?" Jihoon tells him, sounding a little hesitant of his words.

"I know."

It takes a second of silence before Jihoon speaks.

"I love you."

Another silence.

"I love you too."

  
  


Everything reminds Soonyoung of Jihoon. Each landmark they visit, each pitstop they make, Soonyoung can't help but attach a memory of his own to a place he'd never been before.

In a museum there's a huge canvas hung on the wall with a chair in front of it. Unlike most art, this artwork called for interaction, a piano built in. It actually works. Soonyoung glazes his fingers over the keys, playing a couple incoherent notes and figures that if Jihoon were here he would already be playing his next masterpiece.

Chan does his best to distract. When they walk around the museum, he reads the facts that most rarely bother to glance at. It's the first time Soonyoung actually appreciates the art for what it is rather than what he thinks it is. Though, half the time neither of them can really understand modern art.

"They say the painting represents some deeper meaning," Chan tells him in one landscape painting.

"Like what?"

"Not sure." Chan says flatly, already making his way to the next painting.

"If you look at the painting sideways it looks like there's a house on a hill," Soonyoung informs him with his head tilted sideways. 

Chan follows in suit. "Huh, it does."

Soonyoung finally got a clearer understanding of what Wonwoo had been constantly saying years back. However, nothing could really make Soonyoung appreciate much of modern art if it were splatters on a canvas. _Sorry, Minghao_.

They roam the city, comparing differences it had with Tokyo and Seoul. Soonyoung realizes that exploring was much more enjoyable without an agenda, but the two Korean students could only go so far without direction. Locals were kind enough to guide them to the right way. Safe to say they got home just fine. 

They end up in some night market before they decide to head home. It's not too crowded, but there's an empty intersection and funky music playing from one of the vendors. In an attempt to cheer Soonyoung up, Chan pulls him to the center of the street and just breaks into a dance. It felt like watching a musical dance break, except now that it was happening in real life. Everyone around them wasn't too willing to join in. Instead, they just gave confused stares, some cheering him on.

Soonyoung dances. He dances for the first time in the week to some generic pop song that he knew Jihoon could improve in a day. He dances what he feels, movements fluid and sharp. He pours his heart into it, like it's his last. 

They get cheers from Japanese locals. Soonyoung feels warmth again. He feels a warm hug surrounding him. He feels like he's healing.

Hiking is not for Soonyoung. Soonyoung does not like long walks through narrow land, and most especially not with insects swarming him. Yet, somehow as he struggles climbing the mountain he can't help but think that Jihoon would probably be more into this than him.

Despite all the teasing Jihoon gets in being lazy and lacking physical activity, he is actually more fond of it than Soonyoung. Sure, Soonyoung was the dancer between the two of them, but Jihoon was always up for some kind of adventure. He was willing to try out some new sport or go around exploring nature.

So when Soonyoung spots wildflowers in a patch of grass, he thinks of Jihoon. It's exactly like the ones Jihoon showed him back in Busan, in their garden. Jihoon always pointed it out, even in Seoul. Soonyoung passes by a lot of wildflowers, trying to decide if bringing wilted flowers to Seoul will be worth it in the long run.

Soonyoung takes them anyway.

"What'd you find, hyung?" Chan approaches him.

"Wildflowers."

"They're nice."

"Yeah," Soonyoung hums. "They are."

When the sun starts to set they find themselves by Lake Toya, mountains and shadows peeking over the horizon. Despite the breeze that passes by them, Soonyoung finds the warmth he had been searching for.

“Hey Chan,” Soonyoung initiates the conversation the first time that day.

Chan perks up, giving his signature Lee Chan smile. “Yeah, hyung?”

“Thanks for everything.” he says, eyes focused on the steady waters. “It really means a lot, and it did help me in many ways. I know it takes time, but this really helped. Even that fucking hike you thought I needed.

Chan is beaming like crazy. His canines are showing and his eyes are blinking rapidly in excitement. _A dog_ , Soonyoung thinks.

“If anything,” Chan says, barely managing to hide his smile. “It was all Jihoon hyung’s suggestion. He said you might enjoy these things or that it might help you. But I’m glad it helped.”

“It’s all starting to sink in now,” Soonyoung tells him. “It still kinda hurts, but I feel better than yesterday at least.”

“Healing takes time, I guess.”

“Yeah, it sure does take a long fucking time.”

At night, there's stars. Soonyoung and Chan watch the much clearer view from their balcony, trying to recover from the pain they endured from the hike. Chan got beer for both of them, as they looked up into the sky

The stars were much brighter than they were in Seoul. Soonyoung compares it to the glow-in-the-dark stickers he had on his roof. The ones he and Jihoon put up together. The stars that held all their stories and secrets. Now, the stars were his own. Anything ever whispered to the heavens were just between him and the stars. It felt a little lonely.

He feels a little better, though. Soonyoung truly knows, for the first time, he's going to be okay.

Home feels a little weird. Landing in Seoul was something that had brought Soonyoung to the edge of his seat while also simultaneously easing him from all the anxiety. Being back in Seoul should mean good things. Surely, it did, but being back home also meant being back to reality. 

Business school, less dance, Jihoon. A little mess of an equation.

Sooyeon is the first person he sees. Among a crowd of families and chauffeurs, Soonyoung finds her sister waving her hands in the air, with a big smile on her face.

"You missed me?" Sooyeon asks as she brings her brother into a tight hug. It feels nice; the warmth. 

"Eh," Soonyoung shrugs. He shakes his palm out as he’s released from the hug only to get a punch in the arm. It didn't help that they both took Taekwondo as kids. Soonyoung flinches, but still gets hit. "I'm still fragile, Noona!"

"You're such a brat," she scoffs.

"So are you," Soonyoung says with a smug grin. "Why do you think we're related?"

Sooyeon rolls her eyes and decides against retaliating. She knew they'd have a back and forth and it wouldn't be worth her time. She was mature now, unlike before when they'd argue over the TV remote.

"You good now, nyong?" she asks, squeezing her brother's cheeks..

"Yeah, I'm alright." Soonyoung answers. For the first time that week, he wasn't lying.

"Really?"

"Yeah," Soonyoung nods. "Really."

"That's good." 

It was good, even if Soonyoung didn't feel all too well. Baby steps. All it takes is baby steps.

Sooyeon wraps an arm around him, "Let's go, I brought my car with me."

"Oh!" Soonyoung exclaims in a tease. "You're well off now, huh?"

“You’re so annoying. It’s a good thing I missed you.”

  
  


Everything feels a little too different, but it also feels like nothing’s changed. Now that he’s back in Seoul he can’t help but nitpick at the small details. New changes and things that weren’t in Tokyo only reminded him of his absence for the past years.

Soonyoung feels a little lost. He feels like he’s floating, stuck in between the grey Jihoon used to talk about once. What comes after the burst.

Among Soonyoung’s errands and responsibilities he had attended to, going to Jihoon ended up being last on the list. It’s past nine when he makes his way to Jihoon’s dorm where Seungcheol told him he had been staying. The ride is quiet and Soonyoung spends most of it taking in the scenery of Seoul. Though things weren't too different with Japan, there was something comforting about being back.

The scene played over and over in his head. Soonyoung had already walked himself through it. Soonyoung would knock on the door, palms sweaty and heart beating out of his chest. Jihoon would swing the door open, not expecting much until his eyes meet Soonyoung's. And they stand there in the moment. Nothing but them.

Except when he knocks and the door swings open, it's Seokmin on the other side. The younger looks a little stunned with Soonyoung standing by their front door.

"Hyung?"

"Uh, yeah." Soonyoung grins. This situation was beyond him. He had all he needed to say to Jihoon, but never anticipated Seokmin. "Is Jihoon here?"

"He is," Seokmin nods, leading Soonyoung down the hall to Jihoon's room. "Hyung just took a nap, though I think you can wake me up. He slept late last night. You can just let yourself in."

Jihoon is sprawled on his bed, laptop open right next to him and a few papers scattered all over the room. Soonyoung shakes his head, wondering if this is how Jihoon had been spending his time without him.

Soonyoung closes the door behind him. He makes his way across the room, carefully sitting on Jihoon's mattress. Something in him pushes him to bring an arm out, fingers brushing against Jihoon's hair. Jihoon reaches out to Soonyoung's hand, eyes fluttering open.

"Soonyoung?" Jihoon asks softly.

"Hi."

Jihoon jolts himself awake, holding Soonyoung’s hand and sitting up to face him. It seems that Soonyoung being there physically took a little longer to process with his drowsiness. Jihoon doesn't let go of Soonyoung's hand. 

"What are you doing here?" Jihoon rambles on and on. "When did you get back? Why didn't you tell me? How are you? What the fuck, I missed you so much." He pulls in deeper into the hug.

There isn't much time for Soonyoung to answer the questions he was bombarded with because before he knew it, he was wrapped around Jihoon's arms (which admittedly had gotten bigger). Soonyoungs sinks completely into his best friend, letting the warmth surround him.

"I missed you too," Soonyoung mumbles into Jihoon's shirt. "I came back today, Noona brought me."

"You didn't tell me?" Jihoon pulls out of the hug to meet Soonyoung eye to eye.

"I wanted to surprise you." Soonyoung smiles softly.

Jihoon scoffs. "You're such an asshole. A little heads up would have been nice."

"That ruins the surprise." Soonyoung points out.

"Jerk." Jihoon grumbles. He gets off the bed and grabs a hoodie from his closet. "C'mon, let's get some food downstairs while you tell me all about Japan."

They head out, Jihoon pulling Soonyoung along with him as their hands are intertwined. When Jihoon tugs on lightly, Soonyoung pulls in closer.

  
  


They end up walking around a park designed for children, but it worked for them anyway. The two swing side by side while eating twin pops they bought from the convenience store. There was warmth in Soonyoung’s chest. The kind he felt when he knew he was healing. It was nice to have everything back to where it should be.

“You really shouldn’t have planned the Hokkaido trip,” Soonyoung says, memories of the city coming back to him.

“I wanted to,” Jihoon shrugged. “Did you enjoy it?”

“I know you would,” Soonyoung says. Jihoon only grins. “We should go there together. There’s a museum with a piano on the wall. I want you to play it.”

“Let’s plan a trip one day.” Jihoon says.

Soonyoung smiles at the idea of him and Jihoon in Hokkaido.

"How'd you know I was here, by the way?" Jihoon asks.

"Seungcheol told me," Soonyoung shrugs, but turns with furrowed eyebrows. "Why are you two here, anyway? You and Seokmin. Isn't it supposed to be your break?"

"Oh," Jihoon mumbles. His swing comes to a stop and he looks down to his feet as he kicks around rocks. "I failed a class and Seokmin is taking extra credit."

"What?!" Soonyoung exclaims in concern, almost dropping his popsicle.

"Yeah," Jihoon nods timidly. "It's okay, I'm retaking it and it's a different professor."

"What happened?"

"Just bad exams, but the professor was pretty tough," Jihoon lifts his head up to Soonyoung to give him an assuring look. "I'll be okay, you don't have to worry."

Jihoon tries to end the conversation, moving on to talk about Seokmin and his antics as a roommate. Soonyoung decides against prying, because around Jihoon he's never known how to, not when it was serious anyway.

Soonyoung doesn’t stop worrying.

It's midnight when neither of them can get any sleep, even if they'd like to. They're sleeping on the same bed, and it's not like it's anything new to them, but it feels foreign. It feels as if Soonyoung's trespassing a territory and he has to retreat for him to feel safe again. It's ironic because, back then, around Jihoon, he had always felt safe.

Jihoon is laying on his side while Soonyoung peeks from behind, and Soonyoung figures it's the shuffling sound of the sheets that get Jihoon to speak up.

"Still awake?" he asks.

"Yeah," Soonyoung sighs, sinking his head back to his pillow.

Jihoon turns around to face Soonyoung, who's now looking into the blank ceiling of Jihoon's room. No signs of glow-in-the-dark stars.

"Is jet lag still possible even if there's only like no time difference?" Jihoon says, voice soft as if any decibel louder would wake Seokmin up from the other room.

"No," Soonyoung chuckles, eyes forming into crescents. "Besides, that wouldn't explain why you would be awake."

"Weird nights sometimes," Jihoon tells him, causing Soonyoung to face him. "Even weirder with you around." Soonyoung smiles. "Why are you awake?"

"I kind of can't stop thinking about the time when you failed a subject," Soonyoung admits, biting down on his lip as he avoids Jihoon's eyes. "The time you failed the subject was the same time I didn't pass the program and you never told me."

"Soonyoung…"

"I feel selfish sometimes, you know?" Soonyoung continues to ramble on, pouring out his heart. "But you never tell me anything. You only ever let me know about the good things when they happen and the bad things when they pass."

Somewhere along his words he feels teardrops forming at the rim of his eyes, seconds close to falling. "I used to think before that it was because we were in high school. That, back then it was because you needed some time. And even telling you this makes me feel like I'm not worth telling anything."

"Soonyoung, you know it's not like that." Jihoon tells him, raising his voice a little bit. "When you called all I ever wanted to do was to go to Japan, but you needed space and I knew that. I could deal with it on my own. It was one subject that I'm okay with retaking."

"Sometimes I feel as if I don't know what's going on with you," Soonyoung shuts his eyes because he can't dare look at Jihoon. "I feel as if you're going through things alone when you don't have to."

"I'm not," Jihoon shakes his head, grazing his fingertips over Soonyoung's hand, and he holds on tight. "I have you."

Soonyoung pulls his hand up to Jihoon's chest and with his free hand he holds onto his best friend's shirt ever so lightly. "You never let me in."

When Soonyoung falls silent, he has only a second to recollect himself before Jihoon leans in forward and closes the gap between their lips. Everything feels warm and light. It's everything Soonyoung had ever imagined. Nothing but the two of them with the night sky. 

"Soonyoung, I love you."

When the person you love tells you how they feel, pouring out every aching thought, the initial reaction should more or less to reciprocate the emotions you have. Or at least show that you feel the same way. Not keep silent and unsure of what to say.

Soonyoung settles with a soft smile, his lips pursed, unsure of how else to react. He doesn't know what was holding him back when he knew that this moment was all he had been waiting for.

When the person you love tells you how they feel and gives you their heart, you don't walk out the next morning without any word in fear of what's to come.

Chan arrives at a plaza a few blocks down Jihoon's apartment, at 7 AM in the morning to find Soonyoung with red puffy eyes and tears falling down his cheek. Soonyoung comes running to Chan's welcoming arms, the moment the junior gets out of what seems to be his dad's car.

On the ride home, Chan tries to strike up a few jokes because that’s the only way he knows how to cheer Soonyoung up. Chan tells him he better hold on tight because he hasn’t driven in two years and even then he was better off away from the wheel. Soonyoung scoffs slightly, appreciating the efforts Chan made.

Soonyoung's thoughts are pounding through his head, and he tries his best to let it go, but nothing seems to budge.

When Chan parks into an unfamiliar driveway, Soonyoung realizes this isn't his apartment building, nor did he even give the directions to his apartment building. Soonyoung peaks out through the window, frazzled as he looks at the tall building.

"We're at my apartment," Chan tells him. "You can sleep there for now, hyung."

Soonyoung purses his lips. He does not deserve his dongsaeng.

The only thing Soonyoung remembers is taking off his shoes before Chan guides him to the couch. He doesn't remember much except for the sunlight creeping through the living room. He tries to get some rest, regaining the lost sleep he had from the overwhelming thoughts he had last night.

It's the small vibration of his phone in the back pocket of his pants that wakes him up. Soonyoung pulls it out and opens his phone, the harsh light blinding his eyes. There's a single text from Jihoon.

**8:09 AM**

**Jihoon:** we good?

Soonyoung tries to sleep through it. He tries to shake off his thoughts. It’s just that he can’t. His mind is the loudest it has ever been and he just wants everything to _stop_.

“You want to talk about it?” Chan asks him, handing him a glass of water.

Soonyoung gratefully accepts the glass and sighs deeply. “I fucked up, didn’t I?”

“Not so sure,” Chan shrugs. “What exactly happened?”

“I did a few stupid things,” Soonyoung says.

Chan shakes his head. “C’mon, hyung. I’ll take you home and you can tell me about it on the way there.”

So, they head out. Chan tells him a few things. He tells Soonyoung that he is, indeed, kind of stupid. Chan doesn’t have some magical solution to get him out of the mess he made, but he gives a few words of comfort. It was enough for Soonyoung.

It's late in the afternoon, in his old dorm (which is still technically his), when he realizes every stupid decision that has led him up to where he is now. He's pacing back and forth the kitchen wall as Wonwoo and Minghao watch him with their arms crossed over the chests, faces plastered with a hint of judgement. Seokmin had texted him that Jihoon cut classes.

“I don’t know what to do,” Soonyoung says. "This is it, I'm gonna lose him."

Minghao sighs, "You're not gonna lose him."

"God, I'm so fucking stupid." Soonyoung groans. He slumps into the dining chair, trying his best not to rip his hair out.

"You kinda are," Wonwoo admits. Soonyoung grunts, glaring towards his direction.

"Tell me this, hyung." Minghao says, gesturing Soonyoung to move forward with his two fingers. Soonyoung complies warily. "Why'd you leave? You've loved him since the day I met you, and I'm assuming days before that. This was it. What made you stop?"

Minghao has a way with his words. He always knows when to get the truth out without necessarily piercing through Soonyoung's heart. But Soonyoung wasn't so sure either. He wasn't sure why he chose to run away when everything was right in front of him. Soonyoung had to make a choice.

"It's always been you and Jihoon hyung," Minghao assures him. "That's how it works. That's how it will always be."

Finding Jihoon wasn’t anything like it was in the movies. It wasn’t running around in the rain and desperately calling out his name. After asking around and checking in on different hangout spots Jihoon frequently visited, he found his best friend seated on a bench by the rooftop of Soonyoung’s apartment complex. 

It’s Seungcheol who tells him, with the knowledge that he was Jihoon’s friend first and Soonyoung was possibly a step to breaking Jihoon’s heart.

When Soonyoung stupidly leaves the door to slam shut, Jihoon jumps in his seat. Jihoon looks over to Soonyoung and their eyes meet.

“Hi,” Soonyoung says shyly.

“Hey,” Jihoon smiles sadly, motioning for him to sit next to him. Soonyoung follows and takes the empty spot next to Jihoon. The view of Seoul was a little blurry with all the rain pouring. “You haven’t replied to my texts.”

“Yeah,” Soonyoung chuckles awkwardly. “Sorry about that.”

“It’s okay,” Jihoon tells him, holding his arm out to catch raindrops.

“It was raining when we first met,” Soonyoung mumbles, reminiscing the first time he saw Jihoon. The time he didn’t even realize how this person was going to be in his life for longer than he would anticipate.

“Someone I know kinda hates the rain,” Jihoon says, looking over to Soonyoung.

“Yeah?” Soonyoung plays along, laughing softly.

“Yeah.” he nods. “Not so sure about now, though. He’s a bit stubborn, too. But I love him, so I guess it’s alright.”

“I love you,” Soonyoung confesses, even if Jihoon already knew. “Like really stupidly in love with you, not just in a best friend way and I don’t know what to do. It scares the shit out of me. I’m really stupid and got really scared and I don’t know what to do. All I knew was that I needed to find you.”

“Soonyoung,” Jihoon speaks softly, holding his hand. “I love you too, and not just in a best friend way, but you also have to let me in sometimes. You keep worrying about me that you forget yourself. I fear that sometimes you’re slipping away.”

“I’ll never slip away.”

“It almost felt like it,” Jihoon tells him.

“I’ll never slip away,” Soonyoung says once more. His eyes meet Jihoon’s. “I’m sorry you love a dumbass.”

“You’re so stupid,” Jihoon scoffs, failing to keep his face straight.

“I’m sorry,” Soonyoung looks down to their intertwined hands.

“Shut up,” Jihoon says, the edges of his lips curving. “Stop saying sorry.”

“It’s really scary.”

“It is.”

“And I really do wanna be with you.”

Jihoon hums.

“Like I’ve never felt this way for anyone.”

“Soonyoung.”

“And it’s so overwhelming and I—”

“Soonyoung.”

“Huh?” Soonyoung asks innocently.

With their hands still intertwined, Jihoon pulls Soonyong to him and leans in. Their lips meet and it’s everything Soonyoung has ever imagined. It was easy, just like how it should be.

Soonyoung used to do this thing as a child, where he’d stare at a word for too long and it’d no longer look like a word to him. Sometimes it still happens. Other times he looksOther times he looks at an object in front of him, eyes crossing slightly enough to create a blur. He'd lose sight or value of something, and that did happen a lot.

When he looked at Jihoon, overthinking every possibility, he sometimes lost sight of his best friend. It felt so surreal to have someone like him in his life. Jihoon was just so mesmerizing. Now, when he looks at Jihoon everything is well.

“I definitely like the rain now,” Soonyoung tells him when they pull apart from one another. “Kinda liked it the first time we walked in the rain together.”

“You’re so cheesy, it’s so stupid.”

“You love me,” Soonyoung pouts.

“I do.” Jihoon shakes his head before resting it on Soonyoung’s shoulder. Jihoon whispers, "You make me fall in love."

“It rained a lot in Japan,” Soonyoung says, pretending he hadn't heard. “I thought of you a lot. Watching the rain with Chan isn’t the same as watching it with you, just like what we used to do in high school.”

“God, those were good times.”

“So is this,” Soonyoung lips curl. He pulls Jihoon into a tight hug and he never wants to let go.

Being back home in Seoul felt a little weird, a little different. Home didn’t feel like home, whether it was his dorm with Minghao and Wonwoo. Home wasn’t his farmhouse in Gyeonggi-do, nor was it in his mother’s house in Seoul. In fact, Seoul doesn’t feel too much like home anymore. But neither does Japan.

Home is warmth. The easygoing laughter. The tight pull one his heartstrings. Right now, home is Jihoon.

**SENIOR YEAR OF COLLEGE**

Soonyoung ends up continuing Marketing, and ends up finding it useful for his own small business. Soonyoung ends up building a dance studio. It’s a small place he had rented out and his dad helped him out by funding the space to look like a proper studio, mirrors and everything. Minghao, Chan and Jun joined in to make a dance team. They jumbled different jobs to pay for everything and now people pay to learn from them. Their name, however, had yet to be decided on. Soonyoung kept suggesting something with performance.

“See you guys tomorrow,” Soonyoung bids them a goodbye, his gym bag slung over his shoulder.

“Are you heading to Jihoon’s?” Minghao asks.

“When is he not,” Jun comments.

Soonyoung waves their comments away, but they all bid him goodbye anyway. Sometimes he still wonders how it would have been if he got the scholarship in Japan. He wonders if it would have been better than this team he had. At least, all he knows now is that he ended up okay. He ended up content.

Going to Jihoon's studio had been a norm between the two of them. Universe Factory was Jihoon's own little world where he let Sooyoung in.

Soonyoung enters the room, a plastic bag of takeout for Jihoon's dinner in his hand. Jihoon doesn't bat an eye when Soonyoung greets him, only hums in response. When Jihoon works, it's hard for him to lose focus.

"I brought you food," Soonyoung tells him, placing the bag on the coffee table. Jihoon doesn't move. "And extra rice. And coke."

Jihoon turns in his swivel chair and jumps out to walk over to Soonyoung, his lips tugging from side to side. Soonyoung rolls his eyes at his boyfriend only ever noticing him for food, but hands him his bento box anyway.

Soonyoung must have been unconsciously frowning because Jihoon does the unexpected and leans in to peck him on the cheek. He follows with a, "Thanks for the food." to which heat rise Soonyoung's cheeks and flush to a pink shade.

Soonyoung coughs, "What song are you working on?"

One thing Soonyoung hated is that Jihoon knew the power he had over Soonyoung. He was completely aware of it. Jihoon laughs softly and Soonyoung hates that all he feels are butterflies and the urge to just squish his boyfriend's cheeks.

"Cheol and I have been working on a song."

"You know," Soonyoung says, chewing a little too loudly. He points to Jihoon and jokes. "You should add me to your song."

In a normal setting, Jihoon would laugh at Soonyoung's joke and make some remark about how Soonyoung's skills, or at least that's what Soonyoung had imagined the scenario to play out.

"Well," Jihoon says slowly. "We've actually been thinking…"

"No," Soonyoung immediately cuts him off.

"Seungcheol and I think you'll do great."

"Jihoon, I was kidding." Soonyoung cries out.

"Well, we weren't," Jihoon shrugs.

"I can't sing."

"Shut up," he scoffs, pushing Soonyoung's shoulder lightly. "You can sing, and you can write, too. Maybe you can help us. It's still unfinished."

"I can't sing Jihoon."

"You can melodically rap."

"That's still singing."

"Looks like you can sing then."

"I fucking hate you."

"C'mon it'll be fun," he tries to convince him, tugging on his boyfriend's clothes. "We can write the song tomorrow."

"I don't even know anything about songwriting."

"Yes you do," Jihoon interjects. "You always help me out on that. You always know how to change it up."

"Jihoon."

"No excuses, we're meeting tomorrow night."

"You have to dance in one of my classes, then." he says, raising an eyebrow, a cocky expression written all over his face.

"Deal."

"Fuck," Sooyoung breathes out. "I didn't think you'd actually say yes."

They're thrown into a fit of laughter, Jihoon losing control over his limbs, falling to the sides of Soonyoung. In the spur of the moment, Soonyoung intertwines his hand with Jihoon and it fits naturally together.

They were okay.

**SOME TIME AFTER**

"Sometimes I think what would have happened if I never went to Japan."

"What do you think about?" Jihoon shifts in his spot. He leans against the headboard to get a better view of Soonyoung, who's lying flat on the bed, staring straight into the ceiling. There are stars in his bedroom—ones he put up with Jihoon.

"How different I would be." Soonyoung's gaze falls to Jihoon, straight into his eyes. "How different would we be." His hand reaches over to Jihoon, poking spots and freckles on his skin.

Jihoon lifts his wrist, glazing his palm over Soonyoung's. He lets out a soft laugh, an easygoing breath. "I think whatever would have happened you would have been okay. _We_ would have been okay."

"It just gets me thinking, you know?" Soonyoung sits up now, mirroring Jihoon. Their hands don't let go. "If I never took that dance scholarship would I be fucking hating my course more than ever? If I got accepted for another year would we have never happened?"

Jihoon takes a breather. "Well, for one thing, yes, you'd probably be complaining about the same communications class for months straight. I don't think either of us would have even confessed if we were miles apart. Everything would probably have been different. Sometimes I do think about it too, though."

Jihoon takes another breath. He looks to Soonyoung who hasn't broken his gaze.

"It's always a lot to take in, because I don't know where I'm headed with music. And as much as I know we'll last, we never really know where we're headed, you know? We never know truly where this is going to end up."

"Everything is uncertain," Soonyoung says, making it sound more of a question rather than a statement. He smiles, teeth showing.

Jihoon chuckles. "Will you ever stop saying that?" 

"No," Soonyoung huffs, pouting playfully. "It's just… true. You know, I almost thought I'd lose you. I really thought, 'this is it' and trust me, I never thought that'd ever happen."

Jihoon hums, showing he's listening. "I've had a lot of bad days, too." Soonyoung nods his head, telling him to go on. "Bad days were I thought we'd never make it, even before we dated. Bad days with anxiety and fear."

Silence meets them for a moment, Jihoon's own fear causes him to not speak another word. Soonyoung waits.

"But when I'm with you I feel okay."

There are moments we long for, ones we wait to come around for us to cling on. Oftentimes, it passes by us by before we truly get a chance to soak it up. And once it does come around, you know the moment is yours.

"I've waited so long —" Jihoon stops, but Soonyoung presses his hand tightly. "— to feel okay. To feel _this_. I think the fear will never really leave."

It really does come in bursts.

Both Jihoon and Soonyoung have had their fair share in forming small obsessions over these bursts of comfort, in letting it stay. 

"And this won't last forever." Jihoon says.

In retrospect, it was never really about that. Outbursts aren't meant to last forever. They're meant to come and go to remind you of the impermanence of everything. It's evanescent, all of it.

"There is a lot to look out for. When we look back we'll remember the good parts. The happy moments."

The happy moments — the ones that will stay, never forgotten. Collected fragments. Echoes of laughter. Hints of healing. Signs of living.

"But I do know that you'll be doing your dancing and I'll be doing music and on most days we'll be okay."

They will be okay. They had all they needed for the time being. It isn't always going to be this calm. Love is what it is, and for someone who hates cliches, Jihoon sure as hell agreed with that. Being in the moment they had knowing they won't get it back was okay.

"We'll be okay." Jihoon mumbles, pulling Soonyoung closer to him.

"We will."

Because this moment is theirs.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> ITS DONE OH MY GOD ITS DONE I REALLY THOUGHT THIS FIC WAS A LOST CAUSE BUT ITS DONEASKDUAWJE im sorry if some parts seem like it needs some work or something :''( im really tryna work on my writing but i really haven written in a while anyways i hope u enjoyed my fic <33 this is the first ive ever finished and im glad its soonhoon sorry for such a long wait aaaaaaa i based it too much on my emotions hence why i couldnt get myself to write it anyways ITS DONE AND AAAAAAA i hope u enjoyed
> 
> i have had proper sleep and my mind is working again ahhaahah so anyways as i said this song was inspired by home, like the beginning and what kind of future all into one as well as my personal experiences
> 
> like one day i just kinda listened to home and thought man a story about jihoon loving soonyoung and just looking at him like he's all he ever has and thats his home and UGH
> 
> damn i really didnt expect to get this far,,, ive been receiving a lot of feedback about how some relate to it despite never having a similar experience and that just :((( it really warms my heart like this story means a lot to me and im glad it does to u as well thank u sm for taking the time to read this like really,,, UGH ok that is all thank u


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